The Mess I Made

“You regret this, it’s a bad memory, you don’t love me, and you never will, you want me to like someone else. I understand okay, you are ashamed to be with me, or maybe it’s just that you love to break me, and make me see that I’m not in control of anything. Dammit, I thought I was over you, but seeing you here. You know I’m drunk, well it’s wearing off now, but you know that it took a lot of Alcohol for me to even be able to talk to you in the first place. Please, you don’t need to say it. I’ll restart everything, skype, Kik, I’ll delete my Xbox account too, anything to make you happy. Then I’ll leave again, maybe for college this time. Or maybe forever, I don’t know. I’ll leave because I’m sick of getting hurt by you. Really, I don’t care what this was, I just care that this time, you are the one that ends up getting hurt, not me.”
-I woke up in a room, made completely of metal. No windows or doors and I was still feeling immense pain. Banging on the floors made no noise like there was no reverberations and no sound in this world, dimension, universe, I don't know.
Words flashed in front of my eyes, my brain not reading them, but my heart is.
“Do you know how it feels to feel like you’re being pushed into a relationship with someone you don’t like or you don’t want to be in one with? I want to be your friend but all you keep doing makes me want to ignore you. On Saturday I was confused and didn’t understand but I’m sorry for what I said, and I realise I don’t like you at all, I’m sorry for the confusion but I have no interest nor will I ever. I feel bad for Piper, I wish someone would magically transfer that you would get a crush on someone else.” Then silence.
I never hurt myself after that though. I stayed strong for her, even though she never knew how much I wanted to die.
-I woke up again, this time I was already standing, back at school.
She looked at me with glassy eyes, then back down at her feet once more.
Why? I asked myself, why did it have to turn out like this?
She’d been living in fear her whole life, hiding from herself, so this must be a massive FUCK YOU right in her face.
Slamming my head against the locker door, I distracted myself from the pain in my heart, right? Isn’t that how anyone that self-harm feels better? It’s just a physical pain to distract you from the real pain you feel, in your heart.
“Jessica, don’t, p-please. Don’t hurt yourself, your friends care about you…” Her voice was stern, yet shaky from the tears and screaming.
“Don’t call me Jessica, it’s not my name! And what friends are you talking about? I don’t have friends; I have people like you, people I thought I could trust. I fucking hate you.”
“J-Edward, please, just try to calm down and think…” Her mouth kept moving but I stopped listening, or even hearing what she was trying to say.
My heart was pounding in my ears and my eyes overflowing with hot salty tears. I could even taste them in my mouth as I took deep breaths trying to calm down and stop shaking. Fucking anxiety, you have great timing.
Before I knew it I had her grabbing at my wrists, staring in awe at all the scars that littered my pale skin. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Yelling and screaming, making teachers come out of their classrooms and call security or something, maybe the cops. I pushed her back against the pillar, holding the ceiling in place. “What do you want me to say? Yea, I’m perfectly fine and okay? Seriously, do you want me to keep lying to you? Look I’m sorry but I fucking hate you and what you did. Fuck you, just fuck you, you broke my heart, so fuck you, I did love you¸ and trusted you, but you fucking hurt me, you cut me, these scars are because of you.”
She fell back and hit her head, hard too. Finally everything that had just happened hit me like lightning.
Crawling over to her limp, unconscious body, I wrapped her in my arms and held her as close to my heart as possible. I soaked her face with my tears still falling hard, staining my face with makeup.
How could I have done this to her, I love her, I love her more than anything, and I hurt her, I really am useless.
Two buff men in uniform grabbed my arms and pulled me away from her, her body fell to the ground and lay there. Struggling, I fought with everything I had against their grasp trying to get back to her. It wasn’t a lot though, they took me in handcuffs and I was helpless.
With every cell in me, one last time I fought back against them and yelled at her, she was getting up off the ground helped by my ex-friends, the only friends I ever had, ripped out from under me.
“YOU kissed ME! I know it, and you know it, we both know what happened that night! We both know it didn’t matter though, it only made things worse! You think I forgot? No, you always knew that I will never forget! You knew what the fuck you were getting into. I won’t forget the best feeling in my entire joke you call a life!” Words were spilling out of my mouth like vomit now, and there was nothing to stop me, except the officers’ hand clamping over my mouth.
Ex-friend number one had no idea what happened between me and the girl, while ex-friend number two only knew what happened, not how, and not the feelings that went along with it, so they were both shocked.
The whole school had now surrounded us, coming out of classrooms, at the commotion, she caused by asking for me to come out of class with her.
That night… I wish it didn’t happen, why did she have to lie like that? Making everything up, what the fuck is wrong with her, she was my best friend. But I hate her now, and we both know I don’t mean that. I never want to see her again.
We act like nothing happened, but in reality it’s tearing us both apart, slowly and painfully, until there is nothing left. You really don’t have to stop breathing to be dead. I honestly gave up at that moment.
“When I said we can’t be friends I didn’t mean it! I just… I was just mad, and hurt, please don’t take my world away from me. Don’t take the only friends I’ve ever had, don’t walk away, please, you are the only person I’ve ever trusted. Don’t make me feel like this.” By now my voice wasn’t very understandable through sobs and choking on my own tears. Dropping to my knees I fell into a praying stance,
I let the guards just take me, I didn’t care anymore. She hated me, because I hurt her, I did something I promised myself I would never do, but I did it, and now, I don’t care anymore. Just kill me.
With my head drooping, I was dragged out of the school and thrown into a cop car.
“I’m sorry.” No one heard my under the breath mutter. This really was my fault, I was the one that trusted her. No wonder, I spent my entire life going without trusting anyone before her, why was she different? I shouldn’t be mad at her; she ended the friendship, and let me be alone. She took our entire friend group with her.
I’m alone. I’m dead. I’m done.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” My tears were mixing with the snot and saliva, now dripping down my chin. I looked disgusting, and I felt disgusting.