Collapse

Summer passed as it always did, filled with a heat that hung wet and heavy in the air. It never seemed to last long, and the bite of the brisk fall air always came without warning. Now, as I drove silently down the road, I found myself wishing for one last warm day, one last day to escape the unavoidable.
I drove slowly as I watched the changing scenery of wilting cornfields and tawny, amber-colored trees blur past my windows. The transition from summer to fall always brought a sort of bittersweet atmosphere, but this year felt different, more somber. I thought back to this time last year and how much everything had changed in this short time. It felt like another life, but the heartache was still strong enough to know that it was entirely too real.
I thought,
"It’s only been one year since you left."
I thought,
"You didn’t mean to hurt me."
I thought,
"I’m lying to myself. You made your own choices."
Without fully thinking about what I was doing, I got on the interstate going north, passing my exit and continuing on the still familiar route. I made my way off the exit, down the street, and onto a gravel road. When the trees cleared, I slowed down and pulled into the driveway. This was your house before you left. It was empty now, but it looked the same as it did before. I remember laying outside in the grass at this time last year, wrapping ourselves in coats and blankets so we could look at the stars. I remember dancing in your kitchen to old folk music, feeling the cool linoleum floor under my bare feet while stale cigarette smoke hung in the air. I remember how elated I felt when you told me you loved me. Whether or not it was a lie, it was beautiful.
The sound of crunching gravel pulled me from my reverie, and I took the passing car as my cue to leave. I headed back the way I came, wondering where you were and if you ever thought of me like I thought of you. I glanced at myself in the rearview mirror, noting my messy auburn hair and plain facial features. Why would I have expected you to stay? You had a past with a wild girl who had storms in her eyes and fire in her soul, and a future with a biting needle that momentarily gives you a sense of peace.
I never meant to fall in love with you, but I did. The heartbreak when you left wasn’t one forceful blow, but a slow shatter; one event was all it took, but the pressure built each day, fragmenting a little at a time until my eventual collapse.
But, maybe I needed to collapse in order to begin again. I can’t forget, but I can learn. We were a mess of beautiful contradictions, but I can’t keep fighting a war inside myself for someone who surrenders so easily.