Mastery Mondays

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” ― Leo Tolstoy

I’m no stranger to the urge to overhaul my life. No matter how things are going, it hits like clockwork several times a year—around my birthday, on New Year’s Eve, whenever my loved ones are thriving in particularly envy-inducing ways, you get it. Heck, even back-to-school season sends me into a tailspin and I haven’t been a student in a decade. Sometimes I panic-text my friends:  “What if I get my masters?” and other times I google “underrated beach towns low cost of living please help” late into the night, but either way, I get restless if I go too long without humoring the idea of switching things up. 

But on the flip side of that are all the times that I find myself coasting through life on autopilot for months—or years?!—at a time, not entirely sure if things are actually good or if I’m just too afraid or unmotivated to make some moves. 

If you can relate to that push-and-pull between wanting to overhaul your life and wanting to avoid the topic of change altogether, then—congrats—you are probably definitely human. So, how do you know when it’s actually time for a change? And not just, you know, boredom or running away or succumbing to the societal messaging that says we should always be moving and growing and improving? 

First things first, a “change” doesn’t necessarily mean blowing up your life. 

No one’s here to encourage you to burn it all down and start fresh. Not only is that unfeasible and intimidating for most of us, but it’s also rarely the best first step even when we do want our lives to feel dramatically different. Baby steps, you know? 

Not to mention, the impulse to overhaul usually emphasizes external parts of your life when you may benefit from looking inward first. “Sometimes the change you need isn’t switching jobs, moving cities, or ending relationships—it’s a change in mindset,” says Belle Liang, PhD, founder of the Purpose Lab at Boston College and coauthor of How to Navigate Life. 

With that in mind, let’s talk about some signs it’s time to shake things up—internally or externally—and where to start if they hit a little too close to home. 

1. You can’t name your why. 

“Why?” doesn’t have to be a huge question if you don’t want it to be. You can break it down by areas of your life. Why do you spend your free time the way you do? Why are you with your partner? Why do you hang out with your friends? (“Why are you writing this article?” Dr. Liang posed on our call.) 

Digging deeper into “why” can help you identify your mindset, which can then highlight where you might need to make some changes. “What’s the compass you’re using to make decisions in your life?” Dr. Liang asks. If you’re coming up blank or don’t like the answers that come to you, it might be time to reevaluate and make some adjustments. 

2. Happiness is your #1 priority.

Don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. But interestingly, in her research, Dr. Liang found a singular focus on personal happiness above all else doesn’t actually lead to lasting happiness. For one, people tend to confuse happiness with feeling good all the time, which isn’t how life works. “You wind up prioritizing avoiding negative affect and maximizing positive affect, but overlook a deeper sense of fulfillment,” Dr. Liang says.

Other ways this happiness-above-all-else mentality shows up might be: avoiding challenges or uncomfortable situations, seeking instant gratification over long-term rewards, and prioritizing personal pleasure at the expense of meaningful connections and responsibilities.

3. You spend your days on autopilot.

Don’t get me wrong, we can’t operate at 100% all the time. We have schedules and responsibilities to keep, and not every day can be one for the history books. But often, autopilot is a feeling of going through the motions and treading water. 

If you feel checked out more often than not, it could indicate that you need to switch things up so you can feel like an active participant in your own life. “When we’re on autopilot, we’re not exercising agency, we’re not directing our lives—we’re just passive,” Dr. Liang says. 

4. You distract yourself. A lot. 

Dr. Liang suggests paying attention to mindless behaviors—binge-watching your shows, constantly scrolling social media, or otherwise seeking out ways to get out of your head. 

For one, they’re things we do when we’re falling prey to aforementioned autopilot and short-term pleasure-seeking. 

There’s also the question of what thoughts you’re keeping at bay via mindless consumption. “Where there’s avoidance, there are changes and choices we don’t want to make—but probably need to,” says Britt Frank, LSCSW, neuropsychotherapist and author of The Science of Stuck.

5. You’re thinking in black and white. 

Always vs. never, every vs. none, easy vs. impossible—keep an ear out for absolute language that subtly signals you’ve fallen into some sort of pattern that isn’t working for you. “I’ll never find someone to date; my friendships always end in drama; none of my coworkers know what they’re doing—these kinds of phrases suggest we’re stuck somewhere,” Frank says. 

6. You often find yourself thinking, Ugh, why can’t that be me? 

Envy—the sense of wanting something that someone else has—can provide a lot of useful information when you pay attention. It’s easy to dismiss it as a negative emotion, but it can actually be a powerful indicator of what you desire or feel is missing in your life—aka areas of potential change. It’s not always one-to-one, of course. Seeing green when your friend gets a promotion doesn’t have to mean, “Time to work even harder for my own promotion!” It might say, “Wow, I wish I liked my job half as much as she does.” 

7. You feel like a failure unless you’re constantly winning. 

On the other hand, comparing yourself all the time might also signal you’re hyper-focused on success, rather than fulfillment and purpose. “It’s a scarcity mindset where there are winners and losers in life, and it’s another internal warning sign that things need to change,” Dr. Liang says. 

Envy’s not the only signal you’re seeing the world through this unfulfilling lens: Consider if you treat your life like one long self-improvement project, always asking, How do I succeed? How do I come out on top? How do I get better?

8. You’re disconnected from the world around you. 

You probably don’t need us to tell you that connections with other people are super important to mental health and life satisfaction. And unfortunately, it’s all too common these days to lack that sense of belonging. “People are disconnected from themselves, from each other, from their work, from a larger sense of purpose,” Dr. Liang says, noting that it’s a common source of dissatisfaction. 

She notes that this sense of disconnection can manifest in various ways, like strained relationships, conflicts, or a general feeling of apathy in your interactions with loved ones. However it shows up, something may need to shift to help you establish—or strengthen—vital connections, whether it’s putting yourself out there to make new friends, evaluating your current relationships, or putting in more effort where you dropped the ball. 

9. There’s just no spark, you know? 

We all go through phases where life feels a bit dull, but if the things that once excited you now feel like chores, pay attention. “You might feel meh, even if you have success, even if you’re surrounded by things you find personally meaningful—there’s just a restless, nagging sense that something is missing,” Dr. Liang says. 

10. Lastly, you clicked on this article, didn’t you? 

Not for nothing, but if you’ve started wondering if it’s time for a change, that’s a pretty decent sign that it is. You don’t need to wait to see CHANGE YOUR LIFE written in the clouds—your gut can tell you just as much. 

“If you're honest with yourself, you'll know,” Frank says. “If you are content, I'm not here to tell you otherwise. But if you take an inventory of the major areas of your life and you’re not happy with how things feel, it's time for a change.”

Great, I’m having an existential crisis. What now?

Deep breaths. You can start really small. “Even if you're just switching up what you eat for lunch or what you wear when you work from home, that tiny change deactivates your brain’s autopilot setting,” says Frank. “You can’t make big changes on autopilot. But changing things up a little every day keeps your brain in manual mode where you have more power, more control, and more choices available.”  

Then there’s the whole…finding your purpose thing. Whether you’re asking, “Does my life need a change?” or “How does my life need to change?” your purpose is a solid north star, one associated with an overall sense of well-being and fulfillment in Dr. Liang’s research. 

Before you freak out, Dr. Liang recommends cultivating a more accessible “purpose mindset” rather than naming your One True Purpose. She encourages reflecting on what she considers the four elements of purpose: your character strengths, the skills you want to develop, the core values that you stand for, and the impact you wish to make in the world.

“If you know those things about yourself, those four anchors to who you are, you’re going to deepen the connection you have with yourself,” Dr. Liang says. The more in-touch you are with yourself, the easier it will be to recognize when you need a change and when you’re content with just the way things are, thanks.

Personal Change

What is one area of your life that you would like to work on before the end of the year?