Relationships Sundays

“The real substance is at the bottom of the sea. That's where the mystery unfolds. The deepest part of your heart is like the deepest part of the ocean, and when someone is brave enough to go there, it's worth sharing the treasures buried deeply within.” ― Niedria Dionne Kenny

I’ve spent over four decades helping people create, heal, or end their romantic partnerships. I’ve had the chance to watch which thoughts and actions seem to have had the most positive effect on relationships.

Many of them are obvious, well-researched, and readily available for those interested in mastering them. But there are four that are not as talked about, but even more important.

As I look back on the thousands of hours I’ve been privileged to interact with people in their most intimate states of vulnerability, I’ve seen how crucial these are to the success of these truly remarkable long-term relationships.

1. They Are Each Other’s Heroes

There is no way to refute the maxim that character counts. The couples I’ve known who continue to respect and admire each other, no matter their flaws, see each other as havens of support. They are deeply proud of each other’s journeys through life and how they have handled their challenges.

These qualities may differ from one relationship to another, but people who are heroes within their relationship are best described as partners who automatically show up when they are needed.

• “He is my rock. No matter what is going on, I know he will be there for me, no questions asked.”
• “She just gets me. If I’m in trouble, she knows it and how to help me in ways I can accept, with no strings attached.”
• “He knows what to do when things are hard. He always keeps his promises and knows how to help me stay focused when I’m spinning out.”
• “I don’t even have to ask. She just knows when I’m in trouble. She is incredibly wise that way.”

2. They Are Each Other’s "Person”

People who stay in love and deepen their love for one another often use these words to describe their partner. When they need to figure something out that’s hard, face a painful loss, or fear an impending crisis, they reach out first to each other because they trust that the response will be non-judgmental, totally honest, and supportive. They are each other’s “go-to” person when anything goes wrong.

• “She takes things in stride, no matter what we have to face. I can count on the fact that she’ll let me know what she wants and when she wants it. No games. I’ve never trusted anyone so much in my life.”
• “I always go to him first. He’s so humble. If he doesn’t know what to do, he’ll help guide me to the right place. He never needs to be right. He just listens and tries to help me figure out what I need.”
• “She’s my best friend, period. I can’t even tell you what that means. It’s just a gut feeling. Who do you reach out to when you are confused, scared, unsure, or just lonely? Sure, we have our issues, but no one else will ever come close.”
• “He doesn’t get reactive when he knows I need his calmness. I can be pretty out there sometimes, but he waits for me without putting me down. I know I can rely on that no matter what.”

3. Egoless Exchange of Status

In problematic relationships, rigid roles define who has the power to determine the choices a couple makes about everything that is important to both of them. In successful relationships, neither partner needs or wants dominance over the other. They gladly let whoever is in the best position to lead take the helm in any specific domain. They can also take over each other’s responsibilities if the other can’t deliver. There are no power struggles because they are a team.

• “We both work. When we get home there’s a lot to do. We just pitch in. Sometimes I cook, and sometimes he does. If I have more work to do, he makes sure everything is taken care of so I can get it done.”
• “She’s incredible. I’m late from work two nights in a row and can’t get things ready for our trip. I get home and it’s all done, and exactly the way I would have done it. She lives in my head in the best way.”
• “I’m so beat at the end of the day, and he’s raring to go. I do all the morning stuff. He takes over at night.”
• “We share all of the decisions about how we use our resources, whether it’s about money, time, priorities. We just hash it out fairly, and when we can’t agree, we negotiate. We’re not perfect, but we’re good together.”

4. Freedom Within Commitment

New lovers are lost in their devotion, passion, and choosing of each other over all else. As time goes by, they have to redirect some of that energy to maintain life’s other obligations.

Long-term partners know that their chances of keeping their love alive depend on how they show up for each other as time goes on. They know that boredom and predictability are saboteurs of long-time love. They also know that other relationships are more likely to beckon when those experiences set in. The old adage, “I don’t care where you get your appetite, as long as you come home for dinner,” holds well.

When relationship partners want the best for each other, they would never hold the other to their relationship if something truly better for either came along. But the main reason they don’t choose to leave is because they do not want to lose the relationship they have. They focus on making that the best it can be, and not live in fear of loss.

• “I love him so much that if he needed to leave the relationship for something that would truly change his life for the better, how could I ever want him to be with me, aching to be somewhere else?”
• “She would sacrifice everything she could for me to help me realize my dreams. Of course I would never take advantage of that, but just to know it makes me realize how lucky I am.”
• “I want him to always be free to examine his life’s choices, including to be with me. When he chooses me, he is telling me that I’m still the best place for him.”
• “I totally trust her to share what she needs from me, and how those needs change. I can tell her the same. We will always want the best for the other.”

Friends & Acquaintances

What makes a conversation "deep" for you, and when was the last time you had one?