Relationships Sundays

“Over time, any deception destroys intimacy, and without intimacy couples cannot have true and lasting love.” ― Bonnie Eaker Weil

What Is Financial Infidelity?

Financial infidelity occurs when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money. For example, one partner may hide significant debts in a separate account while the other partner is unaware. Another common example is when one partner makes large discretionary expenditures without discussing the matter with their partner.

Key Takeaways

• Financial infidelity is when couples with combined finances lie to each other about money.
• Examples of financial infidelity can include hiding existing debts, excessive expenditures without notifying the other partner, and lying about the use of money.
• Financial infidelity can create tension and difficulty in relationships that may lead to the end of the relationship if not corrected.
• The best way to rectify financial infidelity is to come clean about it and perhaps discuss the issue with a counselor. Creating monthly budgets and being transparent about expenditures will also help.
• Excessive spending and lying about it may be symptoms of deeper issues that are worth exploring with a health professional.

Understanding Financial Infidelity

Money can be a big point of contention among couples, so it is important for each partner to be open about their financial situation, expenditures, and attitudes toward money. A good idea is to go over both partners' financial pictures before combining finances.

Also, setting up a mutually agreeable system for handling expenditures can help avoid many fights down the line. For instance, many couples set up an allowance system, which allows each partner to spend a set amount each month without having to consult the other. This allows for partners to maintain part of their financial independence while still working toward mutual financial goals.

Signs of Financial Infidelity

It's pretty easy in this age of online bill pay and free-flowing credit card offers to hide mounting debt. Every card issuer offers the option to have bills sent over email rather than the postal service, so spouses won't see the monthly statements. From there, people who have trouble managing money can amass tens of thousands of dollars of debt without their partner ever knowing, at least for a time.

Excessive spending on gifts, trips, or gambling with unexplained withdrawals from joint accounts is a classic sign of financial infidelity. Larger than normal cash withdrawals or checks made out to cash may be another sign. 

Defensiveness or stonewalling when one partner raises the subject of money is common among couples struggling with financial infidelity. The list goes on, from hidden income to secret shopping and trips to casinos, to hiding bank statements and cutting a partner from joint accounts.

Money is a sensitive topic and can even be so amongst two individuals that are close. If both partners are not on the same page about money, financial issues can often lead to the couple splitting up or being extremely unhappy in the relationship.

For example, if one partner works hard to save money to buy a house while the other partner is spending hundreds of dollars a week on clothes, this can lead to significant tension. It's important to always be on the same page about your financial situation, especially when working towards a goal, such as buying a house.

What Can Be Done

If a partner has been lying about their finances, the best thing is to come clean, and counselors can help facilitate that hard conversation. Experts say it's important not to accuse, but to gather the facts and discuss priorities and what to do about them.

All accounts must be opened to both parties for scrutiny and discussion. Try to find shared goals that you'll both work toward. If there's a lot of debt, make a plan to pay it off and a plan to stop new debts from popping up.  Also, consider making and sticking to a budget that both partners can agree on. A budget allows for a path to follow every month so that both partners can keep track of spending, especially for a partner that spends without thinking.

Excessive spending can also be a sign of mental health issues that are worth treating and getting to the core of to prevent the behavior in the future, which will lead to increased happiness in the relationship.

Abuse & The Abuser

Do you believe that spending money behind your partner’s back is financial infidelity? Why or why not?