Relationships Sundays

“Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder

With more young people talking openly about mental health, gaslighting has become an increasingly common topic among this age group over the last few years. Gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse have been depicted in films and TV and discussed on reality shows like The Bachelorette. Gaslighting was even chosen as the 2022 Word of the Year by the dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster.

Overall, that’s a good thing, because greater awareness around this form of emotional abuse can help people avoid threatening and unhealthy relationships. But before you accuse someone of this behavior, it’s important to understand what gaslighting really means, become familiar with gaslighting examples, and learn how to look for the signs of gaslighting in a relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at the definition and origin of the word gaslighting, the mental health impact of this behavior, and how to tell if someone is gaslighting you.

Key Takeaways

• Gaslighting is a form of abuse, most often perpetrated within romantic relationships, in which one person tries to control the other by causing them to doubt and question themselves.
• Examples of gaslighting behaviors are denying something the other person knows is true, spreading rumors about them, and blaming the victim.
• The mental health impact of gaslighting includes feelings of powerlessness, confusion, isolation, disorientation, and low self-esteem.
• Reaching out to people you trust and to professional support can help victims of gaslighting leave abusive relationships and recover from the effects of being gaslit.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse or manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim’s mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street, which was later adapted into the film Gaslight, in which a man tries to convince his wife that she is going insane so he can steal from her. When he turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection, and the gas lights dim downstairs, he tells her it’s all in her imagination. Gradually she begins to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships like this, and is closely associated with other types of emotional abuse, or even physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.

What Is Gaslighting Abuse at Work?

It’s also important to recognize gaslighting abuse symptoms in the workplace and other contexts outside romantic relationships. Blame shifting in relationships and other gaslighting behaviors can take place between colleagues or between a supervisor and employee.

Typically the perpetrator acts in a way that puts the other person’s credibility in doubt, and/or causes them to question their take on the situation, undermining their confidence and belief in themselves. Someone might use gaslighting as a tactic to avoid owning up to a mistake at work, or to unfairly take credit for a task well done.

Another type of workplace gaslighting is known as “whistle-blower gaslighting.” This describes a situation in which an employee who reports misconduct at work, such as a toxic environment or sexual harassment, is made to feel that they are overreacting, remembering wrong, or misinterpreting.

Racial and Gender-Related Gaslighting

Gaslighting can also be perpetrated against marginalized or disempowered groups in the workplace. In this type of gaslighting, known as racial gaslighting, the gaslighter might try to dismiss or deny their colleagues’ experiences or identities. One study involving women of color in the field of academic science found that all participants had had negative workplace experiences, including gaslighting.

Women in general are more often victims of gaslighting, particularly when reporting gender-based violence, according to a study published in the American Sociological Review. “Gaslighting could not exist without inequities in the distribution of social, political, and economic power,” writes Harvard researcher Paige L. Sweet.

10 Examples of Gaslighting

If you’re wondering how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, consider whether someone has exhibited any of the following behaviors within your romantic, family, or work relationships:

1. Lying about or denying something and refusing to admit the lie even when you show them proof
2. Insisting that an event or behavior you witnessed never happened and that you’re remembering it wrong
3. Spreading rumors and gossip about you, or telling you that other people are gossiping about you
4. Changing the subject or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior
5. Telling you that you’re overreacting when you call them out
6. Blame shifting in relationships—they deflect responsibility by claiming that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault
7. Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions
8. Twisting a story to minimize their abusive behavior
9. Minimizing their hurtful behaviors or words by saying something like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”
10. Separating you from friends and family who might recognize your gaslighting abuse symptoms

Any of these signs of gaslighting in a relationship are cause for concern. They indicate that the connection is unhealthy and that the abusive person’s behavior may be causing severe mental health repercussions for the person being gaslit.

Know the Facts

74% of female victims of domestic violence also experienced gaslighting from their partner or ex-partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

The 5 Types of Gaslighting

Experts generally divide gaslighting behavior into five different types of manipulative actions and words.

Outright Lying

In this type of gaslighting behavior, the abuser lies to their victim even when there’s evidence to the contrary. For example, they might insist that they didn’t call their ex even when the number shows up on their list of calls. Or in the case of workplace gaslighting, a co-worker might insist they sent you the information you needed, even though you never got it and they can’t show you the email.

Coercion

Coercive gaslighting involves using force, punishment, or threats to manipulate the victim. Examples of this type of gaslighting include giving your partner the cold shoulder when they spend time with someone else, or trying to convince them they’re a bad person if they don’t do what the abuser wants.

Scapegoating

Scapegoat gaslighting is when the gaslighter deflects blame onto someone else to avoid having to take responsibility or to escape damage to their relationship, reputation, or power. At work, your boss might blame one victim for a project that failed, even though it was ultimately their responsibility. Or, in an intimate relationship, a gaslighter might tell you that they cheated because you weren’t attentive enough.

Reality Questioning

Also known as reality manipulation, this type of gaslighting is especially harmful to the victim’s mental health, because it sows self-doubt and confusion. The abuser insists that the victim is remembering things wrong, or tells them they’re crazy because they can’t remember an event or conversation—one that actually never took place. This might happen with family members, as when a parent tells a child that an event they remember as traumatic never happened, or wasn’t what the child thought it was.

Trivializing

This type of gaslighting known as trivializing refers to minimizing or dismissing the victim’s feelings, accomplishments, or experiences. Hence, the gaslighter diminishes the victim’s self-esteem and makes themselves the arbiter of what is important and meaningful. Within romantic relationships, the abuser could gaslight their partner by calling them oversensitive when they share their emotions, or belittling how much they care about something outside the relationship, like a hobby, work, or a friendship.

The Impact of Gaslighting Abuse on Mental Health

Being consistently told that you are wrong, confused, or even “crazy” can have devastating effects on a victim’s life and mental health. Along with questioning their own reality and beliefs, gaslighting victims often feel isolated and powerless. In addition, gaslighting abuse symptoms include low self-esteem, disorientation, self-doubt, and difficulty functioning in school, at work, or in social situations.

As a result, people who experience gaslighting are at a high risk for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Young adults who suffered from these conditions prior to the emotional abuse may be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which in turn makes their mental health concerns worse. And they may begin to feel they are mentally unstable because their abusive partner is continually questioning and deriding their beliefs, perceptions, and point of view.

Moreover, even after leaving an abusive partner or relationships, people who have been gaslit often struggle with PTSD and have difficulty both trusting others and trusting themselves. Hence, they may engage in codependent relationships and have trouble building authentic connections within intimate relationships. Because gaslighters usually don’t apologize or admit wrongdoing, it’s harder for their victims to move on from the experience.

Gaslighting may not be the only factor leading to mental illness, but the same factors that leave a person vulnerable to gaslighting may result in lower self-esteem, uncertainty about their own reality, anxiety, and ultimately depression. Over time, you begin to believe that there is something wrong with you because one of the most important people in your life is telling you this.

Robin Stern
PhD, author of The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life

Signs That Gaslighting Is Affecting Your Mental Health

The most damaging gaslighting symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. As a result, they feel confused about whether their own or the other person’s reality is the truth, and constantly doubt their own perceptions. Here are some of the mental health consequences of experiencing gaslighting.

• Having trouble making even simple decisions
• Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family member or friends
• Constantly second-guessing yourself
• Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you
• Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad
• Walking on eggshells around the other person
• Believing that you are too sensitive
• Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations
• Feeling lonely and trapped
• Doubting your own memory and sanity
• Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe
• Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time
• Starting to believe what the gaslighter tells you about yourself, that you are “crazy” or “stupid”
• Thinking you can’t do anything right, engaging in negative self-talk, and feeling disappointed in who you have become
• Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions

Why Do People Gaslight?

Perpetrators of gaslighting typically suffer from mental health disorders. They may have developed these controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma. For example, if the only way they could get attention or love was through lying or manipulation, they might continue these behavior patterns as an adult.

In other cases. gaslighting might be the result of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or another psychological condition. People with NPD have a number of traits that can lead to gaslighting behavior. These include a consistent need for admiration and attention, a belief that they are better than everyone else or special in some way, and a lack of empathy.

Know the Facts

A study of 250 young adults found that abusers who gaslit their partners also exhibited high levels of emotional detachment, impulsivity, and risk-taking and anti-social behaviors.

5 Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Talk to others about what’s happening

Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family members, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words

A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Remember it’s not your fault

There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you.

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter

Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Practice trusting yourself again

Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.

Support for Overcoming the Mental Health Consequences of Gaslighting

After being in a relationship, friendship, or work environment with someone who was gaslighting you, additional support is often necessary to address gaslighting abuse symptoms and related mental health issues. Support groups with others who have gone through similar relationships can be very helpful in helping victims overcome feelings of isolation and self-blame. Therapy can help people who have been gaslit to heal the self-doubt, self-esteem issues, lack of trust, depression, and/or PTSD resulting from this painful experience.

Treatment with compassionate mental health professionals, alongside a caring community of peers, can allow young adults to get back on track with their relationships and their sense of self-worth and emotional well-being. At Newport Institute, our model of care focuses on supporting young people to build trusting connections with others while reestablishing their connection with their own inner guidance and wisdom.

Contact us today to learn more about our approach to young adult treatment and our outpatient and residential locations around the country. 

Abuse & The Abuser

What do you believe is the best way to stop gaslighting behaviors?