Relationships Sundays

Victims of emotional abuse can experience more severe psychological reactions. A victim may feel their emotions are affected to such an extent that he or she no longer recognizes their own true feelings related to issues or situations the abuser is trying to control. As a result, the victim’s self-concept, confidence, and independence are systematically broken down.

Emotional abuse can be insidious. Since it encompasses any kind of abuse that isn't physical, there are a variety of behaviors that fall under the umbrella. "It can range from subtle things, like criticism, to more destructive abuse like manipulations, intimidations, and bribery," says Lea Lis, M.D., a double board-certified adult and child psychiatrist. If you think you may be a victim, it's important to be able to recognize the signs of emotional abuse — and understand how and why abusers deploy them — so you can restore your own sense of self and start to get out of the abusive situation.

Emotional abuse, like other kinds of abuse, is about control.

Like physical abuse, emotional abuse is about gaining power over another person, be it a partner or other family member. "The purpose of emotional abuse is to create psychological weakness by undermining one's confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth," says Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "The true goal of most abusers is to make you feel so weak, so inferior, and so damaged that you stop questioning them and defer all of your thinking and decision making to them."

This can take many forms, including coercion, humiliation, threats, insults, gaslighting, guilting, rage, and shaming. "It can show up in various ways, but it's meant to silence, belittle, and intimidate," says Perri Shaw Borish, LCSW and founder of Whole Heart Maternal Mental Health.

Victims of emotional abuse are taught to believe they deserve it.

The harmful effects of this kind of abuse are many, especially because it's designed to cut victims off from their support systems. "Emotional abuse is toxic and dangerous because it creates fear, and fear gets in the way of our ability to access our inner resources," Shaw Borish says. "When we're led by fear, as a victim of emotional abuse often is, it cuts us off from the full experience of who we are. In other words, it diminishes our self-esteem and makes us doubt ourselves, and then we give over our power."

This can also result in a victim feeling depressed, anxious, unlovable, full of dread, hypervigilant (feeling on edge all the time), or feeling like they're "crazy" and doubting what they know. "An abused person may experience feelings of anxiety when their partner speaks to them," says Nancy Kislin, LCSW. "She may feel anger toward her partner, even when the partner is speaking nicely or doing nothing wrong at a particular moment. An abused person may feel a sense of hopelessness or despair, as well as resentment, guilt, or disgust. Additionally, there may be a decline in self-care, and a loss of interest in things that person used to look forward to, especially when those are things you would do with the abuser."

Emotional abuse comes with many red flags.

Since emotional abuse is about asserting power over another person, controlling behaviors are often the biggest warning sign. Oftentimes, an abuser will try to cut off contact with a victim's friends and family and limit access to the outside world. Abusers may also assert control over the victim's finances and appearance, too. "The biggest red flag, however, is the feeling of being minimized, dismissed and bullied," says Shaw Borish. "It’s crazy-making. But you're not crazy and it's not okay for someone to make you feel any of these ways."

Emotional abuse by a parent can be particularly insidious, with a parent asserting that their love is conditional: It can be dependent on grades, how loyal the parent perceives the child to be, or on certain behaviors. "Usually an emotionally abusive parent is highly narcissistic and acting out of the narcissism," says Shaw Borish. "The power imbalance between a child and a parent can make the impact of emotional abuse even more damaging, since the child may be scared all the time and develop a distorted sense of self."

Other behaviors that are possibly signs a person is an emotional abuser:

• Gaslighting, or convincing the victim to doubt things the victim knows to be true. One common example is when a partner is having an affair but denying it, according to Dr. Lis. "They might say, 'I never did that. You're crazy. You're being paranoid,'" she says. "Gaslighting is incredibly toxic because it violates trust and it can cause internalized depression in the person being gaslit."
• Criticizing the victim over small matters. If you find yourself feeling that you just can't do anything right around this person or that you always have to walk on eggshells in their presence, that's a tip-off, says Laurie Singer, MS, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and board-certified behavior analyst. Constant criticism may cause you to feel anxious and confused, even when you are not around the abuser. "You may be frequently worried about what to say, what not to say, or feel like you often have to apologize," says Singer. With this dynamic, it can be easy to believe that everything is your fault.
• Invalidating or dismissing the victim's thoughts and feelings. This can occur when you express your distress over your partner's behavior and they say something like, "It's not that bad," or "You're overreacting." This may lead to you distrusting your feelings in any situation. "It's incredibly frustrating and often leads to a lot of suppressed anger in the victim," says Dr. Lis.
• Passive-aggressiveness. Being passive-aggressive means indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly talking about them, according to experts at the Mayo Clinic. In emotionally abusive relationships, it is often used as a form of punishment, says Dr. Lis. "For example, a person might be angry and decide to give you the silent treatment or 'forget' to buy you a birthday present on purpose," she adds. Your partner may even say that they're going to do a task that you asked them to do and either procrastinate on it or fail to complete it at all.
• "Negging" or using derogatory nicknames. "Negging is when you put someone down the hopes that it gets their attention," says Dr. Lis. "It's middle school behavior." It's a type of emotional manipulation where someone gives you a back-handed compliment or a flirtatious pass meant to undermine you confidence. For instance, they might say something like: "Wow, you look pretty today. I guess you finally decided to care."
• Frequent boundary violations. If someone keeps touching your things after you told them not to; if they go into your purse to "borrow" money despite you telling them to keep their paws out of there; if they keep interrupting your "me" time, even though you've discussed your needs numerous times, they are crossing a line on purpose, according to Dr. Lis. It's a way to assert their power.
• Sexual coercion. According to specialists at the Office on Women's Health (a branch of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services), sexual coercion is any unwanted sexual activity that happens as a result of you feeling threatened or pressured in a non-physical way. For example, your partner may threaten not to pay the credit card bill if you don't consent to their desires.
• Physical threats. Similar to sexual coercion, the abuser may threaten to hit you or harm you in some way if any of their needs aren't met, says Dr. Lis.
• Self-injurious behavior. "In this case, your partner might threaten to hurt themselves if you leave or don't do as they say," says Singer.

Overall, recognizing signs of emotional abuse is "really about how the abused person feels during and after the interaction with the abuser," says Kislin. "What’s tricky is that many of us project our feelings onto others, so it’s best to sort out your feelings when you're not in the midst of an escalation or in the immediate aftermath."

It's possible for a relationship to survive emotional abuse — but it takes work.

If you need to separate, experts suggest that you have a plan in place. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great place to talk with advocates, find a list of local resources that can help you sort out things like shelter or financials, and information about setting up a plan to help you safely leave the relationship.

If you don't want to separate, sometimes it's possible to turn an emotional abuser around with the help of a professional. First, take steps to build a support system by opening up to trusted friends and family about what's really going on in your relationship. "Begin by telling the truth to yourself and to close friends about the abuse and how your partner treats you," Shaw Borish says. "Saying it out loud will decrease the shame. Having another person’s perspective who can tell you it’s not okay to be treated like that will be powerful and important."

After you've established support and boundaries, find a therapist who's familiar with abusive relationships, and who you're comfortable opening up to. "Enter therapy for yourself, and ask your partner to also go to therapy," Dr. Nickerson says. "Only start couples therapy after you've done some individual work. It also helps to increase your time away from the relationship and spend more time with family and friends. Start doing things that boost your mood and independence. Remember that someone who truly loves you wants you to feel happy, strong, safe and confident."

During therapy you can learn how to set boundaries with the partner, saying things like, 'If you yell at me or call my names, I will leave,'" Dr. Lis adds. "Or, if the person’s emotional abuse is in the context of alcohol, make sobriety a condition of a continued relationship. You can also make therapy or medication a condition of a continued relationship. Build a network of friends and family who can help you maintain your boundaries or be there for you in crisis, and come up with an exit plan if you need to be able to enforce the boundaries you set up."

Abuse & The Abuser

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