A Liars Burden

I learned how to lie. I did it by smiling when I wanted to cry. Laughing when I wanted to scream. I became an actor who deserved an Emmy for my performance. This real time movie called Life sharpening me like a knife. I was that good. I pretended to be everything I wasn't and no one could see the truth. But it wasn't easy. Lying when you have a conscience takes alot out of you. It can kill you if your not careful.
Do you know what I did to survive day after day when I had to act normal, when I had to lie to my few friends, family, and every single stranger I came across?
I murdered time. 
I never liked numbers to begin with, but time... Well time held a very special kind of hatred in my heart. I always seemed to have to much of it.
So I'd strangle single digits in darkened alleyways. I'd plot the assassination of my alarm clock while attending Sunday service with my family. I'd smother trigonometry in it's sleep until it finally stopped screaming for its right to exist! I'd snap the neck of calculus and burn away its remains, because really! Who didnt start hating numbers after taking trig or calculus. Who's going to miss them.
I'd hunt down every roman numeral I could find and slowly grind them into decimal points.
I never added or multiplied. I divided and subtracted.
I counted till the tick tock of every clock bleed dry. I would stab a thousand numbers threw the heart and listened as they begged me for more time, but I was nothing but deaf to my crime.
Why did I do these things? These horrible horrible things.
I needed escape. I needed distractions. That's what every long term liar needs to stay sane. Distractions. You don't know how hard it is to keep your beautifully crafted facade from cracking under the pressure of truth. I learned that if you want to keep up the mask then you must find yourself a task.
So besides killing time I read books by the dozen, focusing on lives other than my own.
I looked outside my bedroom window just long enough till I finally forgot who I was.
I listened to music and willingly drowned myself under a sea of lyrics and sound.
Prayers are like letters to me. So I prayed until I was convinced God got paper cuts from opening so many.
All my days were painted the same shade of color. One I've grown so damned sick of I could just tare my own eyes out!
Lately I've been walking in red. If my sins had color they'd be a red so dark you'd swear it was black. It smeared and stained everywhere I went. I am cunning and relentless in my deceit.
But hiding it from the world has been a challenge so exhausting. Day after day I feel nothing but tired.
I practice transparency often. Making you see what I want you to see, which is nothing at all.
My palms are dripping red when you shake my hand. My teeth are stained scarlet when I smile. My tears are crimson rubies when they fall. But I know how to tell a tall tale, so you notice none of this. You see I am nothing but excellent when I lie.
How do we practice deceit? Can anyone tell me? We rip the truth apart and reweave it into a lie. Nothing is more convincing.
I've never been caught unless I wanted to be. Apart of me is almost proud of that, but I'm so tired of it all.
Whats the point of hiding your pain when all you do is suffer for it?
I want to let go of my pride and tattered bits of shame. Make the curtains fall and let you see every ugly part of me. I want to remove all of these beautiful lies. I want the weight of deceit to be lifted from my shoulders, I want to crack every mask I've ever made. I want to burn my facade to cinders and dance on the ashes. I want to lose every part of all this toxic in me.
We all lie to hide. That's what lies are for, and I'm sorry.... God I'm so sorry. But I'm not done hiding. This is a liars burden.