How to be happy with what you’ve got and stop wanting more - Dr Bruce Wells

How to be happy with what you’ve got and stop wanting more

WE’RE all familiar with that happy feeling that comes from something new - a relationship, job, or shiny new toy. Here’s how to maintain that high all the time

Dr Bruce Wells news.com.auNOVEMBER 7, 20161:55PM

Becoming rapidly accustomed to something new is so common that psychologists have a name for it - hedonic adaptation

I’M A movie buff.

Terminator sci-fi films, 007 spy flicks, Flying High comedy spoofs, Sergio Leone spaghetti westerns, Hitchcock thrillers, classic swashbuckler adventure films - I love them all.

So I was bursting with excitement the day that a new LG 60 inch ultra-high definition Smart TV was delivered to my door.

For the next month, I spent every evening camped out in the lounge room like a kid in a candy store slack-jawed, eyes glued to the screen.

I was in cinematic heaven, overwhelmed by the crystal-clear picture, the dazzling colours, the sweet sound.

Incredibly, though, as each week passed I found that the initial happiness I had tasted when I had first switched on the TV had waned and the screen didn’t seem as large or the picture as stunning anymore. I began wondering if I should have bought the next bigger size.

Becoming rapidly accustomed to something new is so common that psychologists have a name for it - hedonic adaptation.

I am betting you’ve had a similar experience, perhaps when you bought a new car or article of clothing, changed your hair style, relocated to a different city, or began a new job.

Just as you quickly adapt to the heat of a hot bath or a peculiar smell in your own apartment, so too do you adapt to changing life circumstances.

In a landmark study, researchers in Germany surveyed over 800 married couples and found that for the first two years of marriage their happiness increased, but thereafter it returned to the pre-marriage happiness level.

You can see that hedonic adaptation is a double-edged sword. It is beneficial when bad things happen, allowing you to adapt quickly and return to your baseline happiness after losing a job, suffering an illness, or experiencing a relationship breakup.

But it works against you and reduces your happiness following uplifting or positive events.

Fortunately, the power to successfully minimise the effects of hedonic adaptation is within your control. By making a habit of practising a variety of happiness-inducing activities you will be able to maintain and enjoy a higher level of happiness when good things happen in your life. Here are several activities to help you.

1. Appreciate what you have now, instead of wanting more

The remedy is not to completely stop wanting more, but to enjoy and be thankful for what you have NOW. Instead of being seduced by the urge to buy another car, coffee maker, or pair of shoes, write down why you are grateful for similar possessions that you presently own.

Remember the reasons why you bought your current car. Recall the great coffee your machine makes. Reminisce about the wonderful times you have had wearing the various shoes in your cupboard. Then, make a conscious effort to enjoy every moment you use those possessions in the future.

2. Relish ordinary experiences

I have worked and lived in some extraordinarily beautiful places around the world, but like most people, I always became accustomed to my surroundings and never fully appreciated the amazing opportunities afforded to me.

It took a five-year stint living in the Middle East (and an understanding of hedonic adaptation) to make me appreciate my hometown of Melbourne in Australia.

Ordinary pleasures such as the changing temperature of the seasons, being able to greet strangers on the street, and the rustle of swaying gum trees, things that were non-existent in Saudi Arabia, were now available to me at any time.

I felt as if I was seeing my hometown for the first time. Enhance your everyday feelings of happiness by learning to relish ordinary experiences when at work, at home, and in your relationships.

3. Avoid comparing yourself to others

One of the main culprits behind hedonic adaptation is social comparison. We become envious of what another person has – perhaps a larger house, a more attractive girlfriend, a faster rise up the career ladder, greater popularity – and so no sooner have we experienced or achieved a positive event in our life than we are already eagerly anticipating the next event.

Consequently, we short-change ourselves of happiness in the moment. Counteract social comparison by savouring your own positive experiences.

Take pride in your own job promotion and of the skills you mastered, enjoy listening to your new hi-fi system with others, every week explore a different area of your new city, and every day learn something new about your partner.

4. Minimise hedonic adaptation in your relationship

The key to increasing your relationship happiness is to think back to when you first dated your loved one.

Remember how you listened to their life story in rapt attention? How fascinated you were in learning about their struggles and successes? How you willingly sacrificed your time to help them? How you regularly showered them with acts of affection? How you expressed gratitude for anything they did for you? How you saw them as an equal partner in making decisions?

Well, the secret for lasting and fulfilling marriages, and for minimising hedonic adaptation, is to continue doing what you initially did that captivated your partner in the first place.

5. Vary your positive experiences

To maintain a happiness activity’s effectiveness you need variety. If exercising gives you happiness, try varying your morning running route. If you get a buzz out of helping others by regularly visiting the local retirement village extend your acts of kindness to other domains.

If you keep a gratitude journal and restrict your appreciation for your healthy social life, try counting your blessings with respect to your profession and your family. If you love being affectionate to your husband spice it up a bit by being affectionate in different places and at different times.

Surprise yourself. By varying your happiness activities you will ensure that you continue to find them stimulating and pleasurable.

Dr Bruce Wells is a happiness expert and a professional speaker. Visit his website for a free ebook. He is the author of Happiness Anywhere Anytime.