I like comments. I’ve received more than 500,000 over the years.

Comments teach me. They help me keep a pulse on the audience’s thoughts. I also get many, many trolls and keyboard warriors. I’ve learned to enjoy that too — sort of.

The “Well Actuallies”

You write an entire article and are careful not to use absolutes.

You use “often” and “usually” to qualify your conclusions. Despite this great care, it still isn’t enough.

Let’s say I write, “When you jump off a high cliff without a parachute, you’ll usually die.”

The Well Actually will say, “Well. If you have a bungee cord attached to a side of the cliff, you might live.”

The partial readers

They read one, maybe two paragraphs, until they see something that makes them angry.

They don’t bother to continue reading to where you explain the other side of the issue. Sometimes, they only read the title, jump to the comments, and start typing.

They will even get mad at something you never actually said. You begin to question reality. You look back at your article confused, wondering if you did actually say something offensive.

The long-form essayist with no spacebar

They write a giant 4500-word single paragraph wall of text. It’s usually a rant with no commas or periods separating any of the thoughts. The wall is bewildering.

Behold. The wall speaks.

You must obey the wall. Look up at its peak. Watch it dance amongst the clouds.

Feel the dam break, unleashing a cascade of Times Roman 10 upon you.

Read me. Cancel your lunch plans. Lay thy eyes upon my mound.

If I’m in a good mood, I’ll respond and offer to read a condensed version if they send me the cliff notes. Otherwise, I just don’t have the time.

Seriously though, 4500 words. That’s a 20-minute read.

The confused keyboard warrior

He spews an essay about how mermaid people rule Neptune and how the mainstream media is hiding this story.

Or he writes a comment that is entirely factually false and does so with utter confidence. Anyone who doesn’t see it his way is a moron.

He is right — and the entirety of the world’s scientists, including a dozen Nobel laureates are wrong.

His profile often says, “Studied at the school of hard knocks.”

No matter how far removed, this user will make any topic a political one and bend the comment section to his will.

The infinite battery troll

I’ve seen threads that go on for more than 100 replies. All because one keyboard warrior has to win the argument.

As each successive user gets tired, they pass the baton to the next sucker. That sucker will fall into the whirlpool of replies.

The keyboard warrior marches forward like the unstoppable walking dead.

His lifeless form will not be stopped by mere words. He is immune to reason, logic, and common sense.

He shall groan, “Braaaains.” And claw forward until nobody is left.

The ladies-man/badass hybrid

On Quora, everyone’s activity is visible. You can see comments, posts, questions — everything — on each user’s profile.

This transparency is supposed to help reduce harassment. Keyword, “Supposed.”

Occasionally, a guy leaves feedback on my article which isn’t particularly helpful.

“You’re an idiot. Quit writing, fag.”

Sometimes, I’ll stalk that user's profile out of morbid curiosity.

As I scroll through his activity, he is trolling other men’s writing while leaving sexual comments on attractive women’s writing.

Woman’s article: “Nice ass. You got a bf?”

Man’s article: “You suck. Go back to mommy.”

Woman’s article: “Hot AF. Check ur DMs.”

Jerk on the streets. Thirst bot in the sheets.

Literal keyboard warriors

I watched a video showing satellite footage from a combat mission that resulted in a soldier winning a Medal of Honor.

The commenters were complaining about how the Medal of Honor winner left his comrade behind or how he should have shot at someone else or thrown his grenade in a different direction.

These keyboard warriors had all the answers.

They’re confident they’d be Peak Rambo in that exact situation.

“Them goons lucky nobody gave me a gun and a helo. It’d been lights out.”

Imagine having the audacity to sit on your couch, chugging sodas while typing instructions with Cheeto-crusted fingers to people who have won medals for heroism in combat.

As bullets and bombs fly by, as the keyboard warrior’s friend bleeds to death next to them in pitch darkness, they’d know exactly how to solve that situation with their badass machine gun.

The religious zealot

I know I’m in trouble when the comment opens with a bible quote, “Matthew 10:14— ”

It’s never followed by anything I’m glad I read.

I’m told that unless I repent to Christ, and stop supporting the gay agenda, I shall face eternal damnation and that my words are sacrilege.

The zealot will then engage with other commenters, making sure to paste the exact quote in his replies to them.

Spoiler alert: we are all going to hell.

The Drive-by warrior

He leaves an inflammatory comment, “Most women would prefer to be in the kitchen than have a job. They just won’t admit it.”

I arrive to see my comment section in ruins.

The keyboard warrior never returned. He pressed enter and sailed off into the sunset as if everything was fine.

Now it’s my job to clean up the mess.

Or, the drive-by warrior asks you for clarification out of frustration. You give it and put a bunch of thought into your reply.

He never even acknowledges anything you write. He’s already raising hell in other writer’s comment sections.

Drive-by keyboard warriors are fast-tracked to the block list.

Fortunately, these commenters do not describe the vast majority of you.

And to those who have been good, thoughtful readers and commenters, you have my gratitude and love.