Gender and children
Your child’s gender identity is part of their sense of who they are – a boy, a girl, both or neither. Gender is part of your child’s social and personal identity. It’s also part of how other people see them.
Your child might identify as cisgender. This is when your child’s gender is the same as their assumed gender based on their sex characteristics at birth.
Or your child might identify as gender diverse, which includes a range of gender identities:
- Trans – your child’s gender identity doesn’t match their assumed gender.
- Non-binary – your child’s gender identity is neither boy nor girl, or it’s a blend of boy and girl.
- Gender fluid – your child moves between gender identities.
- Agender – your child doesn’t identify with any gender.
Or your child might use another term to identify their gender – for example, some Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people use the terms sista girl and brother boy to describe trans girls and trans boys.
Your child might discover or understand more about their gender identity over time. This might mean they express this identity in new or different ways.
Most children grow up thinking of themselves as a girl or a boy and don’t question their gender. But in all cultures, there are some children and teenagers who identify as a gender that’s different from their assumed gender.
How children and teenagers express gender
Gender expression is how children show their gender. This might be through their name, pronouns, clothes, behaviour, hairstyle or voice.
Almost all children begin expressing their gender identity at around 2-3 years. They do this in the way they talk about themselves and through the clothes they choose. Children can be very firm about their gender from an early age. For example, toddlers often proclaim ‘I’m a boy!’ or ‘I’m a girl!’
Many gender-diverse children also express their gender identity at around 2-3 years. They can be firm about their gender too. For example, a child might get angry when people call them a boy or girl, refuse to wear particular clothes, or say that they’re a different gender.
Other gender-diverse children might start to talk about their gender identity being different when they’re at primary school. For some, this happens after puberty, and some might not know or express this until they’re well into adulthood.
It’s common for all children and teenagers to experiment with gender. For example, your daughter might refuse to wear skirts or dresses, or your son might want to play ‘mum’. For most children and teenagers, experimenting with gender expression doesn’t mean that they’re gender diverse or trans. Children and teenagers can find many ways to express assumed gender.
A person’s gender identity is different from their sexual orientation, which is to do with romantic or sexual attraction. It’s also different from having intersex variations. This is when people are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit medical and social norms for female and male bodies.
Gender dysphoria
Gender dysphoria is when your child feels distressed because their gender identity differs from their assumed gender.
Not all gender-diverse children have gender dysphoria. Some children are comfortable identifying as a gender that’s different from their assumed gender. And being gender diverse or experimenting with gender expression isn’t a problem unless your child seems upset or distressed about their gender.
But some children do experience gender dysphoria. The distress they feel might be related to the way they think and feel about their body. It might also be related to things like bullying, stigma or discrimination at school or other places. This distress might affect their school life, home life and mental health.
Young children: signs of gender dysphoria
If you think your young child has gender dysphoria, there are signs you can look out for.
Your child might:
- insist they’re a different gender – for example, they might say ‘I’m a girl, not a boy’
- get upset or angry if they’re called a boy or girl, or brother or sister, or anything else that’s gender specific
- get upset or angry during everyday activities like having a bath or getting dressed
- show signs of childhood anxiety like not doing as well as usual at school, having tantrums, or not wanting to take part in usual activities, especially gendered activities like sport
- go to the toilet in a way that’s associated with a different gender – for example, they might stand up to urinate when you’d expect them to sit down
- ask you to call them by a different name and use a different pronoun like ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’
- ask questions about their gender – for example, ‘When will my vagina turn into a penis?’
- not like their external sex characteristics or want characteristics that match a different gender – for example, your child might say, ‘I want this off’ or ‘I don’t want to grow breasts when I grow up’.
Teenagers: signs of gender dysphoria
If you think your teenage child has gender dysphoria, there are signs you can look out for.
Your child might:
- tell you that their gender identity differs from their assumed gender or tell you that they feel unsure about their gender
- ask you to call them by a different name and use a different pronoun like ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’
- want to get rid of or change their external sex characteristics – for example, your child might say they want to use medication to become more masculine or feminine
- start wearing clothes that hide their body, like a chest binder
- show signs of teenage anxiety, especially in social situations
- show signs of depression – for example, not wanting to take part in activities, particularly gendered activities like sport
- harm themselves – for example, by scratching, cutting or biting themselves
- start refusing to go to school or want to change school uniforms
- show signs of hopelessness about their future or have suicidal thoughts related to their body, gender or experiences of bullying or discrimination to do with their body or gender.
You can support your child with gender dysphoria by showing that you love and accept them as they are and know themselves to be. It’s also good to talk with them about what they’re experiencing.
Affirming a gender that differs from assumed gender
If your child knows themselves to be a gender that’s different from their assumed gender, your child might want to change their gender or their body.
For many gender-diverse children and young people, making these changes is about openly acknowledging the gender they know themselves to be.
If this sounds like your child’s situation, or you’re worried that your child has gender dysphoria, going to your GP is a good first step. The GP can give you information and a referral to a mental health professional or specialist gender service if there’s one in your area.
If your GP or mental health professional isn’t familiar with children with gender concerns or isn’t supportive, it’s OK to seek a second opinion.
Health care for children who want to affirm their gender identity or who have gender dysphoria depends on children’s individual needs. It will focus on improving your child’s physical and psychological wellbeing and supporting them to affirm their gender identity.
Before puberty: options for affirming gender
If your child hasn’t reached puberty and is experiencing gender dysphoria, the professionals supporting your child might:
- give you information about gender and help you to understand your child’s experience and support your child
- support your child to explore and understand their gender identity
- support your child to affirm their gender, where appropriate.
During puberty: options for affirming gender
Once puberty has started, it’s best for children and families to have professional support. This will include:
- information and family therapy to help you understand your child’s experience and support your child
- psychological support like psychotherapy to help your child explore their gender
- voice coaching or speech therapy to help your child communicate in a way that’s consistent with their gender identity
- medical support to help your child affirm their gender and reduce their gender dysphoria, where appropriate.
Medical support
For some teenagers, medical support can reduce the distress associated with physical aspects of their bodies.
If your child wants to affirm their gender identity, they’ll need to have a comprehensive medical and mental health assessment before any medical support can be recommended. It’s also important for them to be involved in decisions about these kinds of treatments.
Once puberty has begun, the main options for medical support are medicines and hormone treatment.
Depending on the stage of puberty, medicines called puberty blockers can put puberty on hold or reduce the changes of puberty. The effects of puberty blockers can be reversed.
If puberty is nearly finished, there are medicines that can change the way your child’s body functions and reduce their emotional distress. For example, some medicines can stop periods.
Gender-affirming hormone treatment can change your child’s body so that it’s more consistent with your child’s gender identity. It might be appropriate for some older teenagers. It has some irreversible effects.
Treatment should never involve trying to make a child cisgender. This is called conversion therapy, and it can cause severe psychological damage. Australian, state and territory governments support bans or have made conversion therapy illegal.
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