How to Deal With Difficult People

Have you ever been in a situation where you are stuck working with incredibly difficult people?  And I'm not talking the work scenarios where you are dealing with difficult co-workers (not to discount that because it is super challenging in its own right!), I'm talking about in other scenarios such as volunteering.

Specifically in volunteering situations, you are supposed to take whatever help you can get - and be thankful for it!  But what do you do when a volunteer is creating drama, tension, and causing other volunteers to back out? It can often feel like you are powerless and at the mercy of that one volunteer.  Maybe they are a complainer or always the "Debbie Downer," or maybe they are totally overbearing and try to order everyone around. These people can be downright difficult. My blood pressure is going up just thinking about it!

In my experience leading at different volunteering groups, I have encountered many difficult people who make my job so much harder than it needs to be.  But I believe that there is something to be learned from every situation. Therefore, I have put together a list of a few valuable skills that can be very effective for dealing with these difficult people.  Give them a try and see how they work for you! (note - I'm not saying that these points will totally alleviate the problem, but they are good coping skills and strategies!)

1. Learn to Love the Person, Not The Problem(s) They Bring

This is a very easy one to say and a very hard one to do.  Learning how to love someone despite their flaws is something we often associate with a partner/spouse relationship; however, if we can learn to view all people through this set of lenses, it can make dealing with difficult people so much more bearable.  Remember that each one of us has our faults, and we are expecting other people to treat us with respect - so the golden rule applies! If we want that from others, then surely we should work on giving it!

Try to view the person as a broken human being who needs your love and validation, rather than as a pain in your ass!

2. Set Clear and Concise Boundaries From the Beginning

The beauty of doing this from the beginning, is that when clear boundaries are set, it is much easier to correct a behaviour because you have already created a benchmark.  For example, if someone has a clearly defined role and they step outside of it, it is easier to gently guide them back in; however, if no boundaries have been established, you have no boundaries to put them back in and you are left floundering, trying to explain what you want after the fact. This little piece of advice is something that I have had to learn the hard way.  

3. Understand That Each One Of Us Has Our Own Set Of Baggage That We Bring With Us

Have you ever noticed that the most difficult people to love are the ones that need our love the most?  So often these difficult people are bringing with them the biggest set of baggage that you can possibly imagine.  We all have shit to deal with, but admittedly, some of us are better at managing our stress and problems than others. The difficult ones generally seem like they are sitting smack dab in a big pile of their own shit, and the smell is starting to get to everyone around them....which leads nicely into point number 4...

4. Learn to Be A Good Listener

If you have noticed that your difficult person has a lot of baggage, you might just be in a good position to use your listening skills.  Many people benefit from feeling like they are heard, and that their problems are acknowledged (and not diminished). Even though it may seem like listening to a bunch of problems is the last thing you have time to do (or the last thing you feel like doing), it could be the most beneficial thing you do.   Sometimes all people need is to be heard, validated, and appreciated. Give it a try, even if you're rolling your imaginary eyes.

5. Learn to Say the Hard Things In Love

There does come a time when hard things have to be said, where the end justifies the means. However, the WAY we say things can be hugely impactful, either for the good, or for the bad.  Before going into one of these hard conversations, take a few minutes to gather yourself, figure out what you want to say, and how you will say it. Make sure that as you deliver the hard words, that you surround them with a loving attitude, and not one of angst or frustration.  Someone told me once that I needed to learn to have velvet gloves with steel-tipped fingernails. Say what needs to be said, but with a gentle touch.

That's all I've got for you today... Know that as you do what you do, how you do it can leave someone with either a crown around their head, or a scar on their heart<3