Joy… Happiness… Love. The positive emotions that everyone wants to feel, but are not always reachable. I remember a time when I didn’t feel negative emotions, such as anger, rage, or pain. I was just an overjoyed happy little child that constantly had things on the go. I had countless friends that I was doing activities with, or I was using my imagination in the back yard, usually slaying invisible enemies on a trampoline. In today’s time I feel more negative than positive. Yes I have a couple of core friends that I am so thankful for. I have a great job that I work at with a bright future for me. I have a home to live in where I can eat and stay warm, but I don’t feel the pure happiness that I once did. I have changed since a child and the same goes for so many people. Events and circumstances start to mold who you are as a person today.
I have an older sister and so growing up she had a big influence on what movies we watched. We watched a lot of romance movies, and this is where I learned how to be a romantic guy (like seriously study those movies because the “moves” they use really work.) When I got to my “girl phase” in high school that phase never left me. I got so addicted to having someone close to me and I was good at drawing them in with my super cheesiness. My mind started to change its focus and instead of learning about myself, and learning about what truly makes me happy as an adult, I focused on making my “partner” happy. My “happiness” arose from making others happy, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s only a bad thing when that it the main source of happiness.
Every time I dated someone and then things went south I became a train wreck. In those times I didn’t know what to do when the emotions flooded me. My most recent breakup has been the worst and the unusual part is she is the one whom I matched the least with. We were totally different people with different goals in life. I remember one time before we were “officially” together we were at point whether it was a make it or break it. She had told me that she just wanted to be friends, but I had already gotten emotional attached to her in a relationship kind of way. I decided to leave and that I couldn’t continue being friends if we were not together. I left her house and I walked to my car. I turned on the car and in my mind I went to push the gas to drive away, but I froze and I couldn’t move and as much as I tried to drive away my body would not go. I ended up texting her that I couldn’t leave and we talked again where I poured out my feelings and then we decided to give “us” a shot.
This girl was different than the rest and I knew it from what aspired that night. Prior to our break up I had an anxiety attack at the thought of us breaking up and I had another one months after we broke up when I saw her. The point of this is my happiness came from her and I felt like I had nothing after. The thought of losing her drained away that hope for happiness. I figured in my mind if I don’t have a relationship with the potential of having a family one day then I am truly not happy. I’ve had this discussion with many people. My happiness should not depend on others, and if it does I’ve been told my relationships in the future are doomed to fail. I need to first learn how to be happy with the life I have. I have so many abilities and talents in my life that could lead to happiness, but lately I’ve been wasting my time reminiscing about the past and not working on my future. When I could have been playing music, or writing or doing something arty, I was laying on my bed crying about what I had lost. Instead of processing and being thankful for what I had and the good times, I was cursing the world for taking my happiness away.
I want that to change though. I want to be able to be happy with myself and not depend on anyone else. I want to be able to find true joy in the activities I do. I think I have started the first step towards that. I recently picked up multiple instruments for a great price, and so I am going to re-learn to play them. I am about to be working with children again on a weekly basis which is something that has made me super happy in the past. I got promoted at work and I have a new role to study and learn about. I get to now focus more on building a close relationship with my clients. I have so many opportunities in front of me and I am excited for what is to come. I am still young and have lots of time to find the perfect women for me, but right now I want to focus on myself and work on my qualities again.
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