Resentment: Definition, Causes, & Solutions

We all feel resentment every now and then, and they can really get in our way. Read on to learn about where resentments come from and how you can respond when they show up in your life.

Looking back as an adult, it is easier to understand the complexity of thoughts and feelings that emerged when I spent time with this family. On the one hand, playing with older kids, eating the family’s Pop Tarts and Fruit Rollups, and experiencing a house with a lot more hustle and bustle than mine filled me with excitement and satisfaction.



On the other hand, an unpleasant feeling could sometimes take over. It had something to do with wishing I had older brothers to look up to, wishing that my own pantry had the tasty snack foods I saw advertised on TV, and wishing that my house would be the center of the action. I wondered, why couldn’t I have all these things?

What Is Resentment? (A Definition)

For childhood Charlie – just like adult Charlie, to be honest – there have been countless examples of times when I felt that the grass was greener on the other side, and I started to feel resentment. Resentment is the combination of unpleasant feelings and thoughts you experience when you do not get what you feel you deserve, or when you see other people get something you think they do not deserve (Feather & Sherman, 2002).

 

That’s a long definition, so here’s a shorter one: resentment is the feeling you experience when you have the thought, “that’s not fair!” When we think we have been wronged in some way, or somebody else has been given something we deserve (but don’t have), we are liable to feel resentment. We see the situation as unjust, as a threat to the status we want to have in the world (O’Dwyer, 2020).

 

Resentment is sort of an emotion – more on that in a moment – and all emotions call us into action. What resentment motivates us to do is try to level the playing field or to seek revenge (Nietzsche, 2006).

 

Does this make resentment a bad thing? Not at all. It is as inevitable as any other reaction you might have to your environment. And as an emotional response, it is a very useful signal to you that you want something in your environment to change.

Is Resentment an Emotion?

Resentment is not a pure emotion, but rather a particular manifestation of anger. Broadly speaking, we feel anger when our expectations are violated or when our boundaries are crossed. In the case of resentment, we have expectations regarding things we deserve to get from the world. When we do not get them – and especially if somebody else gets what we wanted, instead of us – the situation seems morally unjust to us, and from this belief, resentment emerges (Rawls, 1971).

 

In this way, resentment may seem a lot like envy, which is a close cousin of anger. But there is a difference between resentment and envy. When I was in high school, I envied my peers who were willing to work harder and study longer than me, but I resented my peers who put in the same amount of effort as me, but still got better grades than I did.  

 

A common target of resentment are the institutions that regulate our lives (Rawls, 1971). It is this sentiment that has fueled anti-government protests and even caused some people to seek revenge for harms real and imagined (Oatley, 2009). One example is the Biden administration’s decision to cancel a large amount of student loan debt. While many people were heartened and relieved by this news, others strongly expressed resentment at what they thought was an undeserved gift from the government.

Opposite of Resentment

The opposite of resentment, as one scholar argues, is gratitude (Roberts, 2004). I would argue that there are several steps along the way from resenting a situation or a person to feeling gratitude for that situation or person. So I’ll give you an example from my own life:



When I was a senior in high school, my parents took my brother and me on a two-week trip to Europe. Those were coincidentally the same two weeks that my girlfriend, a first-year college student, had off for spring break. I spent the whole first week of the trip stewing in resentment that my parents were depriving me of time with my girlfriend. However, after my mother expressed her sadness that I wasn’t enjoying the trip, which my parents had taken such pains to make happen for me, my feelings changed. I accepted the reality of the situation, forgave my parents for the circumstances, and quickly grew to feel grateful for the incredible opportunity I had before me.  

Resentment Causes

The causes of resentment might already be taking shape in your mind. One source of resentment is narcissism (Nauta & Derckx, 2007), something we all experience to some degree. Since we are all the main characters in the stories of our lives, it is natural for us to resent when those stories don’t unfold just as we’d like. This can take the form of both events that threaten our sense of self and events that suggest our life plans aren’t going to work out (Nauta & Derckx, 2007). A common flavor of this kind of resentment is what we experience when we fail to “get ahead” in a culture that puts an extremely high value on professional success (Wink, 1991).



Relatedly, we feel resentment when other people get to do things we aren’t “allowed” to do. I put “allowed” in quotation marks because a common cause of resentment is seeing other people do things we don’t give ourselves permission to do. For example, observing strict religious practices can make people resentful of the people around them who do not live by such restrictions (Nauta & Derckx, 2007).

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A final cause worth mentioning is one that psychologists in particular have focused on: relative deprivation. This is the idea that seeing other people who have more than I have – regardless of how much I already have! – can make me resentful (Mark & Folger, 1984). For example, I might come home from a weekend of hiking feeling grateful for the opportunity to leave work behind and experience nature. But when my work colleague mentions that she just took a whole week off to hike on another continent, I might swing from gratitude for what I have to resentment that I couldn’t take a longer, more expensive trip.

Examples of Resentment

You might be thinking to yourself, “I’m not a resentful person.” While most of us do not live in a state of constant resentment, I assure you that this sentiment is a daily presence in your life. For my part, I know that anytime I don’t get what I think I deserve, or somebody else I think is undeserving gets something good, I am liable to feel resentment (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).



Many crimes are motivated by resentment. For example, psychologists have documented how racially-motivated resentment rests on the belief that people of some races are getting special treatment despite not being as worthy of that treatment as other races (Kinder & Sanders, 1996). Another example comes from the world of incels, or “involuntarily celibate” men, who sometimes resort to violence against women because they resent the lack of romantic and sexual connections with women in their lives.

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These examples get at another aspect of resentment. Sometimes, we resent situations in which we feel personally deprived, but we can also grow resentful when a group we are affiliated with seems to be deprived or out of favor (Runciman, 1966; Tajfel & Turner, 1986). Think of the aggrieved looks on the faces of sports fans when a questionable decision by the referee is partly responsible for their team losing the game.

Resentment in a Relationship

Resentment occurs frequently in relationships – after all, relationships are where we expect to get many of our needs met, and where we frequently draw comparisons between ourselves and others. Whether it’s a child complaining about their older sibling’s later bedtime or the feeling I get when I see yet another Tesla drive by me, resentment is bound to surface in every relationship eventually.

Resentment in Marriage

You can expect resentments to appear the most in the relationships that matter the most, so marriage is unfortunately a breeding ground for this sentiment. One spouse wishes the other would do more of the housework, while another spouse is just dying for their partner to show up on time for their weekly date night. Irritation over little things can often boil over into generalized resentment between members of couples.

Resentment at Work

Research suggests that our attitudes toward other people determine our emotional responses to the outcomes they experience (Heider, 1958). In other words, we share in the joy when our preferred colleagues do well, but we resent the successes of coworkers whom we don’t like, or whom we don’t think are deserving of success (Pietraszkiewicz & Wojciszke, 2014).

​Resentment vs Hate

The difference between resentment and hate is that resentment is usually tied to a specific circumstance. You hate somebody in general, but you resent them for a particular event. For example, as a diehard Boston sports fan, I hate New York sports teams on principle, but I resent the Yankees in particular for spending so much money on recruiting superstars to their team.

Resentment vs Anger

As we noted above, resentment is a particular flavor of anger. We experience anger when our boundaries are violated, or our expectations go unmet. For resentment to be present, there must be an element of unfairness to the situation.

Resentment vs Forgiveness

Forgiveness is close to the opposite of resentment. When you forgive somebody, you accept the situation as it is, letting go of your attachment to how unfair it felt. Forgiveness and resentment can’t really coexist – you’re either experiencing one or the other.

Dealing With Resentment

We all have to deal with resentment in our lives. I encourage you to think of resentment as natural and inevitable. As a human being, you cannot help but develop expectations, hopes, and dreams. When these plans don’t pan out, it is all-too-easy and natural to find aspects of the situation to resent. Instead of getting angry at yourself for feeling resentful, try out the tricks below for letting go of resentment.

​How To Let Go of Resentment

Here are several steps that may help you let go of resentment (Worthington & Wade, 1999):



1)    Don’t retaliate or avoid. We often want to get revenge when we feel resentment, to restore balance or justice to the situation. Or we try to avoid thinking about the situation at all. Both of these actions will make things worse. Instead, focus on making internal changes.



2)    Check your entitlement. You might ask yourself, “Did I have unrealistic expectations for the situation? Was I expecting special treatment? Did I believe that someone owed me something?” If you can identify a mismatch between your expectations and what was likely to happen, you may reduce your resentment.



3)    Accept what happened. You cannot control anything about the past. All you can control is your reaction in this moment. Acceptance can be a good way to do that.



4)    Forgive what you can. Most of the things that go wrong in our lives weren’t done intentionally. People are trying their best, even when they hurt you. See if you can find it in yourself to forgive.



5)    Find something to be grateful for. This might involve trying to empathize with the other party in the situation, looking for a silver lining, or finding a humorous aspect of the situation. Remember, gratitude for the situation is the opposite of resentment.

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If you want more advice, check out this quick video from psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson, who offers a helpful angle on why another person’s happiness doesn’t have to make us resentful.

Resentment Quotes

• ​“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” – Saint Augustine


• “A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.” – John Wooden


• “To show resentment at a reproach is to acknowledge that one may have deserved it.” – Tacitus


• “Expectations are resentments under construction.” – Anne Lamott


• “Resentments, carried too far, expose us to a fate analogous to that of the fishhawk, when he strikes his talons too deep into a fish beyond his capacity to lift, and is carried under and drowned by it.” – Christian Nestell Bovee


• “Expect much from yourself and little from others and you will avoid incurring resentments.” – Confucius