I now understand the word 'Purgatory'. Growing up I was taught that purgatory is a place between heaven and hell. To me this is just not true. What I've discovered on my journey, is that purgatory is a place inside of you. This is where you go to mend, learn, heal, before you can move on to a safe place. So, in reality it is a half way point between heaven and hell but it's within yourself-not a place you can see or touch but you do feel.
Purgatory has been a inner soulful on my knees, heart wrenching painful waiting place. This is where I wait and wait without knowing what I'm waiting for. It's darker than dark and with each breath I can feel a sharp object twisting into the depths of myself I never knew existed. This place is where I've become stronger, by facing my fears, crying all my tears, letting go and grabbing onto memories-picking and choosing what to keep and what to toss aside. Of course I don't want to be here, it's not a want, it's a need to find the new me.
This place has me fumbling around seeking answers that I know are not there. I'm searching because hope steers my soul. Only the chosen ones that have walked in my shoes will understand this place. Only you who have lost like I have will bump into me here, if so, take my hand and we will find our way out together.
Since the day my 22 year old son was killed (1/09/2010) I've been searching for a safe place to hide. Where there is no pain, no tears, no sorrow, just peace. Purgatory is not this place. Purgatory is an inner journey of tormenting grief, a place where you'll cry yourself to sleep, all along healing without even knowing it.
This waiting place only allows the deepest of tragic lost souls, still alive, not whole. I've learned I can't fill this hole inside of me. I've tried and tried to no avail. There is nothing on this earth that can take away the daily heartache of burying my only Son. This horrific nightmare was not chosen by me, I was chosen by it. Only by going inside of myself (Purgatory) I have begun to heal.
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