Dancing

I was born I died but in between there was life.
There was pain and agony and struggles on top of struggles but there was also laughter and music and love so much love.
I am considered a brain tumor survivor because I have lived with it for over 5 years but surviving is a waste land somewhere between living and dying. I don't want to survive I want to live.
This tumor I once considered my worst enemy now I am trying to make it my best friend. I have fought it to no avail because it is a part of me and I am way too strong to fight myself.
I hate it I love it. I have praised it for showing me what life really means and I have cursed it for the same reason.
I tried so hard for so long and somewhere in between all that I got lost and I lost myself. I guess when you have to struggle everyday to live then your not really living.
I am not giving up I'm just trying to find the new me. She is different not worse not better just different. It's a dance between my brain tumor and me if I don't respect it it will surely step on my toes.
So I hold her hand and let her decide where we go not because I don't have a choice but because well I really don't have a choice.
I could go to New York tonight maybe be in a show but my tumor says feel free to go but at the same time it tells me I don't think so.
What you want to take a college course I am part of your brain now please don't over work me I don't want to die
A show and college is a no it's time to rest now please and in return I'll let you wake tomorrow and I won't even make your eye turn blue.
Some nights like this one I am afraid to go to sleep no I am not afraid of the dark I'm afraid of something way more sinister than that, the light. I'm not afraid of the light I am afraid I won't wake up to see it.
I am also a addict in recovery so I am always having to question my motives, am I really in enough pain to take a pain med? Worse than the questioning is being in more than enough pain to warrant pain meds but not taking it because I had one 3 days ago and the fear is too great even though my using drugs has cost me everything and I have nothing more to loose except maybe my self but I'm not even sure who that self is or what that self wants to be or should be.