I had never loved anyone the way I loved him.
From the moment we met, I struggled to even put into words the way I felt about him. It was one of those heart-stopping, can’t-eat, don’t-sleep, instant future kinda things. The first time we talked - like, really talked - hours passed by and we didn’t even notice. We were in a restaurant with a large group of people, and when we looked up everyone else was gone.
We fell fast and hard. I had never felt safer with anyone in my life. He could read me in a way no one else could, and there was never any aspect of self consciousness or fear.
The first “DTR” talk we ever had, we talked about marriage and kids. We knew that it was a strong possibility, and both of us could see it with each other. We wanted it with each other.
I remember telling my best friend, “I actually can’t imagine this being any better.”
Two weeks later, things got complicated. He was scared. He’d been burned, and he was holding back. For two more months, we fought day in and day out to make it work. To find a way to keep what we had, preserve the magic.
I had never loved anyone the way I loved him. And I had to let him go. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I am a strong advocate for fighting for what you want - for who you want. Not giving up on people or relationships because life gets messy and things aren’t black and white. I just recently wrote about it called “Why It’s Okay to Fight for Love”.
The problem is, however, that I was the only one fighting.
He was struggling. And I was fighting. Insecurity came, later, vicious and mean and I questioned myself and his feelings constantly. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because no one understood. I couldn’t tell him what I was going through because I couldn’t risk guilting him into being with me. He needed to want it enough.
And he wanted it, and me… but not enough. Not in the way that I needed him to.
Knowing when to let go is an incredibly difficult thing to discern. I still wonder what would have happened if I didn’t. If things would’ve turned out okay or ended in flames.
The reality is, though, that you cannot have a healthy long term relationship with someone who is one foot in and one foot out. And whether that be because they’re playing the field, because of past hurt or insecurity or any other reason, it will not work. Not if you’re all in.
You need to take a look at what you want out of a relationship - really want. Remove the person from the situation and think logically for a second. Following your heart is important, but not at the cost of your self respect. For me, I wanted trust and safety, I wanted a relationship where both parties continued to pursue one another, and a solid foundation. And honestly? We had lost every one of those things without even realizing it.
I still love him. Maybe I always will. But if I don’t let him go, #1, we don’t have a shot. Resentment builds and there’s no way we could succeed. And #2, he wasn’t ready for it then. So how could we start something, knowing if things get tough he’s almost guaranteed to bail?
It just didn’t make sense. And it wasn’t working. And if that’s you, you need to let go. You need to walk away. If it takes everything you’ve got, you need to do it.
It’s not fair to you to be burdened down, and it’s not fair to someone else to keep them thinking things are ok if they’re not. Let go.
It’s going to hurt. But it doesn’t stay forever. And it doesn’t hold you down. And honestly, three weeks out, the pain will be so much less than it was when you were in it.
Letting go is brutal. It’s painful. It feels like you’re losing part of yourself. But you deserve to be free.
Stand firm in who you are and what you want. Know that you deserve love and fight for the depth and kind of love you want. You should be fought for. Don’t settle.
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