She’s the one journalists turn to when they need an expert on friendship. Dr. Irene S. Levine is a psychologist, freelance journalist, and author. Known as “The Friendship Doctor,” she blogs on The Huffington Post, Psychology Today, and on her blog, The Friendship Blog.
We wanted to know what she thought of long distance friendships. Are they important? Are they as good as nearby friends? So here’s what friendship expert Dr. Irene S. Levine has to say.
TTJ: Do you have any long distance friendships? If so, how do you stay connected to them?
Dr. Levine: Living and working in the Washington DC area for more than 15 years, I forged many close bonds there with friends who now live 250 miles away from me. I learned that long-distance moves are disruptive to friendships in more ways than one. Not only do you have to contend with the logistical challenges posed by distance (the time and cost of travel) but your life circumstances change dramatically with a move as well. In my case, I became immersed in a new job and new community, with new colleagues and neighbors—and there was never enough time to keep up with old friends. Some friendships simply drifted apart while others remained “stuck” like Krazy Glue. I like to think that the distance separated the more important friendships from the ones that were really just hanging on by a thread or that were more casual acquaintance based on convenience. My close friends and I do whatever it takes to stay connected. Email, cell phone calls, text messages, notes, cards and small gifts cement the friendship in-between the times when we get to be together.
TTJ: With Americans becoming more and more mobile, do you think long distance friendships will be more prevalent?
Dr. Levine: As you suggest, women are more likely than ever before to pick up and leave their hometown or the place where they went to school for new opportunities, either personal and professional—not just once but multiple times. Glenn Sparks and researchers at Purdue University studied pairs of best friends from 1983 to 2002. On average, graduates move six times after college, and the typical distance between friends is 895 miles. In addition to the challenges posed by geography, friendships are also affected by blossoming romantic relationships, growing families and increasing career demands.
TTJ: What are some of the main reasons long distance friendships fail?
Dr. Levine: As I mentioned, some friendships may have already been reaching their expiration dates. Other times, one or both people simply don’t put enough effort into nurturing the relationship. Even the best of friendships require time and attention to overcome the effects of distance and time apart.
TTJ: What are some of the best things long distance friends can do to stay connected?
Dr. Levine: The very best thing they can do is plan rituals so they can celebrate important milestones together and create shared memories that are meaningful. Since face-to-face get-togethers aren’t always practical, they need to have back-up plans for remaining intimately involved in each other’s lives.
TTJ: Can long distance friends be just as good as those who live in the same town?
Dr. Levine: They can be as good or even better! There’s something special about the friends who knew you when and celebrated firsts in your life—perhaps, the friend who knew your first boyfriend or was there when your first child was born. Our long-time friends provide a very powerful connection to our past that grounds us and helps us move forward with confidence.
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