I have helped her out, so many times. Not given her money, but getting her into treatment, and fighting for her rights to visit her kids while in my care. But I always protect the kids first. "Clean and sober or don't show up. I don't cover up for you." She always said I care more about my job than her. I don't. Or maybe I did. I needed that job to raise the kids - hers and mine. Thank God that my husband was supportive. I could never have done it alone.
Could I have helped her more? no, she just takes and takes and then blames you when the fun stops. She does it to everything in her life. She gets a good job and then loses it because "her boss is a jerk." She is fired for theft, but she "did not do it." She goes on a road trip with friends and gets stranded in another province, broke and picked up by the police. "Not my fault. john dumped me and took the money." Of course, I help. I bought her bus tickets, fixed her car, paid for educational course (that she forgot to attend) and even paid her vet bills. Anything to help; short of giving her cash.
Why can't she just take responsibility? I would accept, "I'm sorry. I fell off the program. I will try again." However, not once has she said sorry. She just blames others. "It's dad's fault. he was an alcoholic and I inherited the addictive personality." Bullshit. Our childhood was not perfect, but that is an excuse. Dad was not abusive, perhaps neglectful; more than made up by mom who looked after everything, so we has what we needed. And dad was sober for the last fifteen years of his short life. I know it is not easy, but dad quit drinking. Why can't she even try?
I choose to believe that our parents did their best to raise us kids. They did not come from perfect loving childhoods. dad spent part of his childhood in an orphanage and part of it at a school for boys. Mom was number 6 of 12 kids and she left school at grade 8. "Girls don't need an education." She made up for that and insisted all children, including girls were educated. She pushed us to succeed. Then later in life, she went back to school. I am proud of my parents, in spite of their flaws. they were responsible people and did their best regardless of what life handed them.
I'm not blind to my parent's faults. But I believe they did their best. Nothing they did was out of maliciousness. I'm not blind to my faults either. I have made mistakes, not out of maliciousness, but poor choices, unthinking remarks and acts and being too busy at work, thereby missing out on family time. But I am a responsible adult, who is doing the best that I can.
Now I question myself. I ask, "Why must I be the bitch and call attention to her deficits? Maybe she is trying and maybe she did not just call to rub it in my face that she does whatever she likes?" But she only calls when she is drunk. However, that may be a form of false courage?
I give me clients the benefit of the doubt. I have forgiven them. i have forgiven my parents. I have even forgiven myself.
Then I ask the final questions, "Why do I expect her to grow up and take responsibility for her actions?"
"Why can't I forgive her and let my disappointment go?"
"Who am I hurting - her, me everyone? Why can't I let this go?"
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