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Mastery Mondays

Wisdom & Knowledge

Things To Talk About Before You Get Married

There are so many things that need to be discussed before getting married - important topics that will greatly impact your married life.

Many people lack the maturity to discuss difficult topics before getting married. They think that love will be enough to carry them through anything. But if you look at the divorce rates, I would suggest that love is not enough to overcome differences in values for a lot of people.

Some of the topics that I believe are most important to talk about are:

  1. Your Finances and How You Manage Your Money

  2. The Vision You Have and Want For Your Future

  3. Religious Beliefs

  4. Political Ideologies

There are many many more topics that are important to discuss, but I believe that these 4 are a pretty good starting point.

Think about it - if you want to be a stay at home parent and have 4 children but your partner doesn’t want children and wants you to work, that is a very different vision for your life.

It’s probably something important to discuss. The thing is, I don’t think you have to be in agreement on everything to get married, but the discussion needs to be started so that you know how both of feel. 

There will always be differences and things to work out in a marriage - but not knowing what the other person wants causes a huge amount of friction in the relationship. It makes for guessing games and unmet expectations. You can guess where that lead…to disaster.

My husband and I did not spend nearly enough time discussing finances and how we wanted to manage our money together prior to getting married. It caused a lot of friction in our relationship for many years. I’m happy to report that we have been able to overcome this difference and learn how to work as a team! 

I’m curious what you think is the most important topic to discuss prior to getting married?!

Recommended Book

Before You Say "I Do"®

Mar 26, 2019
ISBN: 9780736976008

Interesting Fact #1

Financial issues are a leading cause of divorce. People about to join their lives should discuss if and how they will join their finances. Spending habits and the existence of current debt should be disclosed. Disclosure of all financial accounts is a must. Keeping a secret bank account is sure way to deal a serious blow to the marriage once the account is discovered. Couples should determine if they will share joint credit cards and bank accounts and whether income from all sources will be combined.


Interesting Fact #2

Property. Each person brings property into the marriage. From a legal standpoint, those items are considered that individual’s separate property. Couples should discuss how future acquisitions will be considered. For example, most states view property obtained after marriage via inheritance and gifts as that person’s separate property when allocating property in a divorce. Discussing how an inheritance and other items which may be received from a parental estate will be treated may prevent a later conflict. If one or both parties bring substantial property into the marriage, talking about a prenuptial agreement may be in order.


Interesting Fact #3

Children and parenting. You might wonder how a couple about to be married could avoid discussing this issue, yet discussion is often replaced by assumption only to find a couple struggling with major differences in views a few years into the marriage. Couples should discuss the number of children they envision having and what specific circumstances should exist before starting a family. How might financial stability and career choices impact family expansion? If health issues prevent pregnancy, would adoption be a viable alternative?


Quote of the day

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Article of the day - Want a marriage that lasts? 5 questions to ask your partner before getting hitched

What does it take to be — and stay — married?

Carol Bruess has been working to answer that question for years. She's a professor of marriage and family communication and a marriage social scientist.

She likes to remind couples that marriage is a lifelong conversation. So you want a partner who's willing to be in that conversation with you, no matter how difficult it is or how it changes over time. Are they willing and ready to put in that work?

If you're thinking of getting hitched, Bruess offers five essential questions for you and your partner to talk through first — openly and honestly.

1. Is there anything that you (or I) are not willing to give up once we're married?

This question gets at your non-negotiables, and respecting what each of you needs in order to thrive. Identify your core needs and what's driving them, and make sure you and your partner are aligned on that being a part of your life.

2. Can you handle me doing things without you?

We all have simultaneous needs for connection and autonomy. These opposing needs both always exist — so find a balance with your partner. It's a red flag if they don't want you to have autonomy.

3. When conflict arose, did your family use the silent treatment, calmly discuss disagreements or slam doors?

Have this discussion before you're already in a fight. Our first lessons in conflict were from the family we grew up with – and that becomes our default mode for handling disagreements unless we intentionally work on changing it. Bruess says fighting is normal, and that the trajectory of your marriage is not predicted by how much conflict you have, but how you act and express yourselves in that conflict.

4. What is the most you'd be willing to spend on a lamp, a pair of shoes, or a pair of jeans?

Talk openly, early and often about what money means to each of you. Because most of the time money is not about the actual dollars and cents if you have enough to meet your basic needs — it's about the emotions behind it.

5. If we have children, are you willing to change diapers at 3 a.m. and miss an important meeting if our kid is sick?

Most couples go into marriage wanting to share tasks equally. But many heterosexual couples in particular discover that over time, with household chores and raising children, some of the more traditional gender roles sneak in. It's no surprise that research shows in the happiest marriages, partners share the mundane (or stinky) responsibilities of life equally. This question comes down to respecting your partner's time, talents and needs.


Question of the day - What do you think is the most important topic to discuss prior to getting married?

Wisdom & Knowledge

What do you think is the most important topic to discuss prior to getting married?