Health & Wellness Wednesdays

“The world needs great inspires, who will encourage every living soul to reach their highest potential. You can be one.” ― Lailah Gifty Akita

I just got around to seeing the movie, Not Fade Away by The Sopranos creator David Chase. While it didn’t last long in the theatres, I found it to be personally riveting and quite affirming to my work as a therapist.

Having read some of the reviews, I learned that Chase was—in autobiographical style—trying to take us back to the 60’s: a rebellious, turbulent and yet romantic time when many of us, including Chase, wanted to be rock stars. While Chase got a chance to re-examine the choices of his youth vicariously through his protagonist—garage band drummer turned lead singer—Douglas (played by actor John Magaro), there’s no doubt that the man loves music. This was validated by his enlistment of E Street member Stevie Van Zandt as a worthy consultant.

Chase probably tried to take on a bit too much, but he did make clear his key point via Edison’s adage (and the movie’s mantra): “Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration;” an adage employed by more than one “square” adult to haunt the youth of the times. Using the Rolling Stones as a positive model to support the mantra, Chase demonstrated that while we all may dream, most of us fail to fulfill our dreams because we either lack focus or the appropriate level of love and dedication. Having been in a few rock bands in my youth, I can attest to the fact that Chase covered just about every sabotaging maneuver available to those with internalized conflicts about achieving success: substance abuse, fear, obstinacy, waywardness, laziness, and an aversion to the spotlight, to name a few. Perhaps this was best illustrated when Douglas's band was offered the golden opportunity to meet with a successful song writer/agent Jerry Ragovoy (played by television star Brad Garrett).

Ragovoy gave sound career advice to the boys only to be met with resistance. One band member didn’t want to learn the cover songs Ragovoy recommended; another balked at having to play in grungy bars. A frustrated and incredulous Ragovoy then became the second adult to utter the movie’s mantra (Pat, Douglas’s father played by James Gandolfini being the first): “Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration,” he said in an admonishing tone. He pointed out that even the great Beatles had to pay their dues by playing in strip bars in Germany.

We all know what happened to The Beatles and the Rolling Stones; we also know what happened to David Chase. None fared badly by any stretch, but Chase is no rock star and he evidently still feels the deficit. And so did I as a viewer. During the scene with Ragovoy I found myself re-experiencing the crossroads that many of us come too when we have the chance to make our dreams come true and yet we choose the road most often traveled. I suddenly found myself screaming at the band: “Shut up you guys; can’t you see this is the opportunity of a lifetime.” But you could tell the lads didn’t have it in them. A freak accident to one of the members sealed their fate as just another garage band— alas, the Stones were safe.

How does this relate to psychotherapy? Too often people come in to see me with goals in mind and yet do everything they can to sabotage them. The goals vary (e.g., “I want to make it as a professional athlete; I’d like to get along better with my children”). Even more ironically, the closer they get to reaching these goals the greater the risk of sabotage. Why? My belief is that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to achieve one’s dreams without a total commitment to doing so. This may mean leaving the safety and security of one’s hometown; borrowing an obscene amount of money; leaving one’s partner, staying up nights, or sleeping in less than desirable quarters. Simply aspiring to be a rock star just to have sex with beautiful women or to make millions, in most cases, won’t cut the mustard. (Don’t fool yourself, Mick and Keith love the Blues and are dedicated to their craft, first and foremost.) There must be total commitment to the good and the bad that comes with the journey—with no gurantee of success—and most people can't stomach these terms.

No matter, if you want to be a rock star you may have to leave home. If you want to leave a lover you may have to suffer the loss of whatever that person brings to your life that you may value. If you want a better relationship with your children you may have to cut back at work. If you want to go back to school you may have to borrow more money than makes you comfortable. The question is: How bad do you want it? In psychotherapy as in life, you’ll probably have to hate your lot to change it. Mild annoyance won’t do it. Mere ambivalence—Nada! You’ll have to develop an aversion to your symptoms. And you’ll have to work hard to achieve your dreams because "time isn't necessarily on your side." Remember, success is 10% inspiration and…

Experience & Adventure

What is a dream that you have that you should start working towards?