When I was a teenager, the idea that being good-looking was the key to getting dates suggested that I was going to have difficulty. Like many, part of this misconception was driven by the stereotype from movies and advertisements that suggested one had to be very physically attractive to be successful in romance.
That was a simpler time. Today’s dating apps only amplify this issue, delivering hundreds of miniature, two-dimensional likenesses in one sitting. Overloaded with first-impression images that put appearance front and center, it is easy to see how many wonderful people could be missed.
It is true that physical appearance is an important factor [1] in romantic and sexual relationships, particularly for initial attraction. Humans are wired to respond to certain physical features, including facial symmetry and the relationship between parts of the face known as the Golden Rule [2] [3]. This innate neuropsychological response is influenced by people’s prior experiences, their associations, and by cultural definitions of attractiveness.
Nice Guys Don't Finish Last
The strong effect of external appearance [4]—perhaps coupled with the appeal of the “bad boy” image—has contributed to the long-cited myth that “nice guys finish last” in romance. Yet that turns out to be wrong. Research shows that for both men and women, being nice markedly increases the appeal of a potential romantic partner. In fact, evolution may have dictated it to be so.
Evolutionary biologists study behaviors in different organisms to understand the benefit(s) of conserving certain behaviors, especially for reproductive fitness. As survival of the species is critical, maintaining the ability to reproduce is huge. External attractiveness is an obvious and potent way to communicate fitness, like a male peacock does for the peahen [5]. The larger the plumage, the greater the fitness.
One behavior of keen interest to evolutionary biologists is altruism. Altruism is kindness or goodness that includes some sacrifice or cost to the giver [6] [7]. As it relates to reproductive fitness, altruists could be perceived as desirable reproductive partners, since they will be more nurturing and provide for kin, enhancing the chances of successful continuation of that gene pool or species.
Choosing a Kind Partner
Like physical attractiveness, people are wired to choose kindness when selecting a romantic partner, especially for long-term relationships [8] [9]. The impact of being nice is strongest in how heterosexual women view men. For both genders, however, being kind is a consistent influencer both for selecting someone for a long-term relationship as well as increasing the number of dates.
In one study, when offered a dating game choice among three descriptions of a man named Todd, one that is kind and caring, another neutral, and the third “a jerk” (bad boy type), women overwhelmingly chose the kind version. In the same experiment, women preferred kind Todd for marriage, as a steady boyfriend, a platonic friend, as well as a sexual partner—but not as a “one-night stand" [10].
Kindness also makes people look more physically attractive [11]. For women and men looking at a photo of the opposite sex [12], changing one descriptor to indicate altruistic behavior had a large positive impact on ratings of overall attractiveness [13].
Finally, when being watched by a female, heterosexual males are more generous than if being watched by another male or no one at all. This suggests that men instinctively know that women are looking for this quality and want to please them by displaying it [14]. (It should be noted that all of the research that I was able to find focused on heterosexual relationships.)
On a practical level, if I were using a web-based dating app, with humble honesty I would be sure it was obvious that I like to volunteer or help others [15]. Maybe the shirt I am wearing in the photo would read “Habitat For Humanity” or whatever other organization I was volunteering for.
And if you are not yet volunteering—give it a try. Beyond getting dates (and helping others), it can change your own life in a really positive way.
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