Why Some People Always Need to Be Right Here’s how to handle the know-it-alls in your life

Why Some People Always Need to Be Right
Here’s how to handle the know-it-alls in your life
BY MARKHAM HEID FEBRUARY 18, 2016

Everyone knows a guy who always has to be right.

Maybe it’s your buddy who storms off the court when he disagrees with a foul call during pickup basketball. Or your boss who chews you out for his screwups.


You might call these people stubborn, hotheaded, or just plain assholes. But therapist Karyl McBride, Ph.D., has a different word for them: fragile.

That may not sound like the word you’d use to describe the guy who would fight you to the death over a word in Scrabble, but hear McBride out.

“People who always need to be right tend to have fragile egos,” she says. When they feel as if their self-image has been threatened, they want to make themselves look bigger or smarter, so they blame others. It’s a coping mechanism to deal with insecurity, she explains.

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But that doesn’t mean you have to handle his fragile ego with kid gloves. Follow these tips to deal with the know-it-alls in your life.

Stay Calm
Even if you know your buddy, relative, or boss is dead wrong, the worst thing you can do is challenge him.

Fighting back makes him feel even more threatened, which will only cause him to dig in his heels, says McBride. When that happens, no one wins.

Instead, force him to reflect on his argument.

For instance, let’s say your manager blames you for a failed project, even though you followed his instructions to a T. Calmly ask him what you could have done differently so you can avoid the same mistake in the future, McBride says.

That single question leads to introspection. He now has to explain exactly where the project went off course, forcing him to think about what happened and how his own actions may have contributed to the end result, she explains.

If this scenario is a common occurrence, ask for your boss’s help before the next project begins.

Wendy Behary, founder and director of the Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of Disarming the Narcissist, suggests saying to him, “I know I can learn a lot from you, so I’m hoping you can help me figure this out.”

You’ll not only boost his ego, but you’ll also have evidence that he supported—even helped formulate—your plan from the start.

Ask For Respect
It’s one thing if the person who has to always be right is your buddy. You can just choose not to hang out with him.

It’s another story if that person is your girlfriend or wife. You can’t sidestep conflict with her for the rest of your life, Behary says. You eventually need to work through the problem.

But don’t push back in the heat of the moment. Instead, wait until the next day to revisit your disagreement when you are both in a better, calmer mood.

Then explain to her that you have no problem shouldering the blame when it’s warranted, Behary says, but that it gets exhausting having to say “I’m sorry” all the time.

And remember, her stubbornness isn’t coming from a vindictive place. It ultimately stems from self-doubt.

Reassure her that you love her and want to work through this issue together. End with the fact that if you truly respect one another, you’ll both accept accountability when needed, she says.

Ditch Him
When your friend isn’t storming off the court, he’s actually a great guy. You may not want to dump him altogether, but you can be selective about when you hang out, says Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D., a Florida-based psychotherapist.

If you know which activities tend to bring out his hotheaded personality—like pickup ball or trivia night at the local bar—opt for a movie or a skiing trip instead.

And if he’s constantly a know-it-all who sucks the fun out of any activity: It’s time to cut him loose, says De Victoria. Your friends are there to help you de-stress—not add extra aggravation.

How to Handle Your Own Problem
Worried you’re the guy who always has to be right?

Here’s how to find out for sure: Try to remember the last time you apologized. If you can’t think of one, that’s a red flag, McBride says.

It’s not something to just shrug off. People who can never take blame are in danger of losing friendships and jobs, she says.

The need to always be right is ingrained, Behary explains. Undoing it will be tough, and you can’t expect to start eating humble pie over night. In fact, you may benefit from seeing a therapist who can help treat the underlying cause of your inability to express regret or back down.

However, you can slowly start to make it a habit. The next time you disagree with someone, ask yourself what’s your endgame. If the answer is to sidestep blame or prop yourself up, then you need to change the subject.

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Or, you can simply say, “I may disagree, but I hear your point.” Then move on. It’s not exactly admitting you’re wrong, but it lets you put an end to the conversation before you get heated or have the urge to storm off.

And the next time you’re in a group and find yourself in a disagreement, take a look around.

You’ll probably notice the majority of the people aren’t really invested in the debate. Chances are, they just want it to be over. Take a deep breath and follow their lead. Become a spectator and let someone else try to prove they’re right for once. Save your energy for when you really have a point to prove