“The pursuit of happiness is a toxic value that has long defined our culture. It is self-defeating and misleading. Living well does not mean avoiding suffering; it means suffering for the right reasons. Because if we’re going to be forced to suffer by simply existing, we might as well learn how to suffer well.” — Mark Manson
Be warned, this is not going to be a light read. I think the above quote already made that promise. But, there is a simple elegance to what Mark Manson says in the quote above, we might as well learn how to suffer well — if we want to live well.
To live well, what does that mean? Naturally, this is different for everybody. We have our basic needs like food, shelter, and clothes. And if you know Maslow’s hierarchy, psychological needs and self-fulfillment needs come after.
For me living well means being mentally and physically healthy. I want to be able to do whatever I want. There’s a need for financial security as well. I value my friendships. Whenever I write I feel nourished and like I’ve accomplished something. With my freelance work as well. Creativity and learning are the most important things to me, next to navigating my curiosity and experiencing life.
Unfortunately, life gets in the way sometimes. It gets in everyone’s way. For me, it’s been things like being overweight most of my life or my mental health. But I still consider myself lucky. It could have been far worse and I’m grateful for everything I’ve got and are able to do.
Living well is a work in progress I think, and the hardships of life are our trials. When you learn how to cope with these trials you might be able to balance it all out and feel happy.
How we try to stay balanced and be moderately happy all the time
Again, I’m using quotes and insights from Mark Manson’s latest book here (‘Everything is F*cked’). I previously wrote an article inspired by his second book as well:
How to Deal with Anxiety, Live a Life of Hope, and Cope with Change
Lessons learned from ‘Everything is F*cked’ by Mark Manson
In the book, Mark uses the example of a study performed by psychologists in the 80s and 90s in which happiness was studied.
Manson: “They took large groups of people and gave them pagers — remember, this was the 1980s and ’90s — and whenever the pager went off, each person was to stop and write down the answers to two questions:
1. On a scale of 1–10, how happy are you at this moment?
2. What has been going on in your life?”
Do you know what the striking thing was? Among the thousands of responses from hundreds of people, the average rating was “7” most of the time. From doing mundane tasks to being with a loved one. If something bad happened (being diagnosed with a severe disease or the death of a friend), the rating dropped, only to return back to average after a while. Same for something when really good happened (like getting a promotion or getting married), happiness levels rose only to fall back to seven again.
“Nobody is fully happy all the time, but similarly, nobody is fully unhappy all the time, either. It seems that humans, regardless of our external circumstances, live in a constant state of mild-but-not-fully-satisfying happiness. Put another way, things are pretty much always fine, but they could also always be better.” — Mark Manson
Pretty eye-opening, right? The above insights come from a passage in his book called “Traveling at the Speed of Pain”. It’s one of my favorite pieces from the book (and I highly recommend that you read it!).
The thing Manson mentions next reflects how we behave brilliantly: “The trick is that our brain tells us, ‘You know, if I could just have a little bit more, I’d finally get to ten and stay there.’ Most of us live much of our lives this way, constantly chasing our imagined ten.”
Right! There’s always something in our imagined future we think will make us 100% happy, even if it’s for a little while. Finally getting that promotion, that publishing deal or that girl you fancy. But if you’re lucky enough to get it, something else will naturally pop up. We become satisfied for a bit and then return to our comfortable “7”, in search of a new “10”. Manson calls this our Hedonic Treadmill (great definition, I must say).
Ride the waves of pain with grace
“Pain is the universal constant of life. And human perception and expectations warp themselves to fit a predetermined amount of pain. In other words, no matter how sunny our skies get, our mind will always imagine just enough clouds to be slightly disappointed.” — Mark Manson
If we return to the example of the ‘Hedonic Treadmill’ from the previous section, we know we are constantly chasing something we desire. Internally, however, we are never satisfied. We always run from this pain.
For the sake of this article, I want to focus on things that truly matter in life. Like covering our basic and psychological needs. Like feeling physically and mentally healthy. Not chasing a promotion or booking that trip.
I’m a big fan of Stoic philosophy. There’s great wisdom in the musings of Epictetus, Seneca or Marcus Aurelius. Based on Manson’s work, I think he’s hugely inspired by them too.
“We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.”- Epictetus
This is the foundation of Stoic belief. And in terms of coping with pain, we can choose our attitude towards it. To look it in the eye with defiance and feel it, learn from it and think of ways how we can heal ourselves even in the most difficult of circumstances. Because in time, your state will change.
“And indeed he who pursues pleasure as good, and avoids pain as evil, is guilty of impiety.” — Marcus Aurelius
Listen to the wise words of Marcus Aurelius. If you blindly pursue pleasure all the time and avoid the negativity life will inflict on you, you will be presented with the bill at the most inconvenient of times.
“You can’t get rid of pain — pain is the universal constant of the human condition. Therefore, the attempt to move away from pain, to protect oneself from all harm, can only backfire. Trying to eliminate pain only increases your sensitivity to suffering, rather than alleviating your suffering.” — Mark Manson
I used to avoid pain like the plague until I fell hard. I got panic attacks, heavy anxiety, and burned out. And I had to save my company at the time. Talking about bad timing, but I just didn’t allow myself to feel it, to accept it and ride it.
Because of this experience, I’ve now learned to embrace pain. As difficult as it is. It’s a part of life you’d better accept and then let go. Ride that hideous wave knowing that you’ll learn something and end up on the other side eventually.
“This is because pain is the experience of life itself. Positive emotions are the temporary removal of pain; negative emotions the temporary augmentation of it. To numb one’s pain is to numb all feeling, all emotion. It is to quietly remove oneself from living.
Pain is the currency of our values. Without the pain of loss (or potential loss), it becomes impossible to determine the value of anything at all.” — Mark Manson
Without pain, there is no happiness. Once you’ve gone through some trials, you will appreciate the good things in life more. You’ll feel more grateful as f*cked up as it is.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last year is to just ride it. Feel it. Allow it. Don’t let it consume you, but give that pain some space and allow yourself to grieve for a moment until you decide you must part ways in search for positivity again. You will learn something from it, you will become stronger and more resilient.
How to create a happy balance and let hope shine through
“This is why hope is ultimately self-defeating and self-perpetuating: no matter what we achieve, no matter what peace and prosperity we find, our mind will quickly adjust its expectations to maintain a steady sense of adversity, thus forcing the formulation of a new hope, a new religion, a new conflict to keep us going.”- Mark Manson
Since we are craving feeling like “10” all the time, we always find inspiration and hope to spot a “10” somewhere. Allowing yourself to hope for change or something better can balance out possible negative feelings.
I’m not talking about wanting to have the newest Tesla. Since I’ve been talking about my mental health in the previous section and riding the wave of pain and negativity to process your feelings and explore what you can do about it, a “10” is feeling a 100% mentally healthy.
Of course, I feel like this (a “10”) from time to time. When I feel free, or laugh with my friends, or are generally carefree and grateful. Some of these moments last for minutes, some for days or weeks even. Until I’m moderately satisfied again.
The journey to feeling better is the hope we need to live well. At least in my opinion. And in the end, there’s nothing wrong with being moderately satisfied. If you rate your life with an average “7”, I’d think you’re making a good attempt at living well.
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