The fantasy: your partner pushes you against a wall with a passionate kiss. Cue a marathon session between the sheets, followed by a relaxing cuddle sesh. The reality: you never actually get around to having sex—or only have a spare 10 minutes for intimacy before work begins. Enter scheduling sex, which, according to experts, can be a boon for your bond.
While drafting up a sex schedule may sound like it would take the element of spontaneity out of the encounter, scheduling sex comes recommended by marriage and family therapists, sex therapists and the like. And, we promise, it really is more fun than it sounds!
So make room on that Google cal for your new sexual schedule and read what the experts have to say about scheduling sex.
Meet The Experts:
- Heather McPherson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST-S is a licensed marriage and family therapist supervisor, licensed professional counselor supervisor and the CEO and founder of Sexual Health Alliance and Respark Therapy, PLLC.
- Sally Valentine, Ph.D., FAACS, LCSW is an AASECT-certified sex therapist with a private practice in Boca Raton, FL.
- Amanda Pasciucco, Ph.D. is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, licensed marriage and family therapist and the owner and founder of Life Coaching and Therapy.
- Diane Sanford, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist at Sanford Counseling and Consulting and the co-author of Stress Less Live Better: 5 Simple Steps to Ease Anxiety, Worry, and Self Criticism.
Scheduling Sex Is Actually Great For Your Relationship
Sure, penciling in (or, in this day and age, sending a calendar invite for) sex sounds, well, straight-up unsexy. But as McPherson puts it, "Scheduling sex is like adding a sprinkle of intention and excitement to your relationship. It's all about having a blast while keeping your bond strong and steamy." Here are a few of the practice's many benefits.
Ensures you'll get busy
Many couples who've been together for a while stop having sex because they don't make time for it, observes Dr. Sanford. Other activities seem more pressing, like taking care of chores or tackling extra work. And by the time partners get to bed, they're often exhausted, says Dr. Valentine. "They'd rather sleep than have sex." By scheduling sex, you're helping to ensure that sex and intimacy are a regular, reliable part of your relationship.
Improves communication
Planning sex requires chatting, which can lead to open conversations about your desires and fantasies, explains McPherson. Whether you opt to experiment with date night cards or try out different types of massages, you'll have a project to work on together that's fun and conducive to sharing.
Boosts intimacy
It might not sound spontaneous and steamy, but scheduling sex can bring you closer, notes Dr. Pasciucco. When you plan sexy time, you're saying, "I want to be closer to you. You're important to me." You're showing your commitment to each other and the relationship, adds Dr. Valentine. You're making your relationship a priority.
Builds anticipation
Knowing you'll be having sex can help keep erotic, sensual thoughts top of mind, observes McPherson. You'll look forward to the mini adventures to come, and can even add to that anticipation by sending one another sexy texts or teasing one another throughout the day. As Dr. Valentine points out, "Together, you can create the mental headspace for sexual possibilities."
How To Schedule Sex Without Feeling Weird
Some couples feel that setting a sexual schedule lacks romance or will destroy spontaneity, shares Dr. Sanford. But instead of giving in to if-only thoughts, she recommends embracing a positive mindset—and giving it a go! Here are some top-tier tips for how to schedule sex (without being totally weird about it).
1. Suggest the idea
McPherson suggests introducing the concept in a relaxed way. Say, "Hey, what do you think about planning some special us time?" or "I would love to find a consistent time to spend sexy time together."
2. Add sex to your calendars
Pick a time when you both have energy—and that's likely not right before you go to sleep. Maybe it's after work or on a lazy weekend morning. If need be, compromise choosing a better time for yourself one week and your partner the next, recommends Dr. Sanford. Then add these dates to both of your calendars. Treat these sessions as seriously as you would a work meeting or a close friend's birthday party.
3. Set the scene
With sex planned, you have time to prepare. That morning, make the bed, clean up clutter and secretly put on underwear your SI loves. A few hours later, send them sexy texts to build anticipation. Right before the scheduled time, dim the lights and maybe light a few candles.
4. Be flexible
If a scheduling conflict comes up, don't sweat it. Just reschedule your date. Then, when you're together, feel free to use your time for all types of sensual activities, says McPherson. "Sometimes you might have great sex and sometimes you might only cuddle and talk. Both can be pleasurable." Connect in ways that feel good for both of you, whether it's discussing fantasies, showering together or giving each other massages.
5. Experiment
Remember that scheduling sex will be a work in progress, reminds Dr. Sanford. Commit to trying the approach for at least three months, she suggests. Over time, you can tweak the method in a way that works for you and your partner. For instance, instead of having a set weekly time (like Wednesday evenings), you might decide to pick a new window each Sunday night.
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