Crisis Can Be a Gift – By James Smallwood

True journey stories for me have always been The Wizard of Oz, Odysseus, Star Wars, and It’s a Wonderful Life. The hero in each of these stories is usually immersed in feelings of hopelessness that are always initiated by a crisis. Dorothy suffers the loss of friends, family and home, and is ultimately exiled. Odysseus also loses friends, family and home, as do Luke and George Bailey.


My crisis centered around the loss of my career, friends, family and home. The day I had to move away from my home and friends because I couldn’t find work in that town, life as I knew it started to crumble. My wife and I left Santa Barbara, and with $800 to our name, moved to northern California. Exiled. Along with everything else going on, my wife was sick and I had to figure out how I was going to take care of us.


After I lost my job, I read books, went to groups, gurus and therapists. In doing this, I came to realize that somehow only I had the answer to life that I’d been looking for. No one else had it for me. I hoped I would find the answers I had sought for so long in how I chose to live my Journey through this crisis.


As I looked back over the last 20 years of my life, I remembered that even then I was searching for “an answer.” The world around me was full of misery and suffering, and it wasn’t reserved for only the “bad” people. Good people were murdered, suffered the loss of loved ones, sickness and disease. No one was immune to the reality of suffering. Even Jesus was tortured on the cross, and rumor is, Buddha died of food poisoning.


I had accumulated years of troubles—divorces, bad relationships, jealousy, addictions, pain and arrogance. You know, the usual stuff. And in my mind everyone else was the cause and source of my suffering. I accepted I had my problems, but if only everyone else out there would change I would be so much happier. Yet deep inside I knew that wasn’t entirely true.


As I was thrown into this crisis, it became the beginning of a Journey that, as it unfolded, answered my questions, “Why is there so much suffering, what is the cause, is there a way out, what is the answer, why am I here?” The year before, my wife had introduced me to an ancient meditation technique for calming the mind, changing the mind, and seeing the cause of problems and suffering.


I felt broken and lost. A deep wound inside had been torn open and laid bare, exposed, bleeding and aching. As I look back now, I see that the crisis was a blessing in disguise. In the midst of all of this I had many opportunities to work on the meditation technique my wife had introduced me to.


I attended ten-day courses where I sat for 12 hours a day looking at my own mind, thoughts, sensations and feelings. And I began to make connections. I remember in one course in particular where I wandered in my mind for days lost in feelings of anger, depression and hatred. My mind replayed life-scenes over and over again—the hurts, betrayals, and broken promises. Finally, I was worn out. I looked around and realized none of those people were there. They weren’t in the room and never would be. I had taken myself on a week-long personal tour of Hell and Purgatory, a lifelong tour.


And then I began to realize it had always been myself who had caused all my years of suffering. My own ranting, raving, crazy mind had me absorbed in dramatic, anger-filled, hopeless emotions. My biggest “enemies” had never been anyone “out there.” It was at this point that I started to feel like there was a way out, an answer to my misery. The lock on my mind came with a key.


As all this new information began to sink in, I acknowledged that just as surely as the problems lay deep in my mind, so also did the solution. The exit door to my suffering was on the other side of the deep crazy abyss called “my mind.” As I realized this, I began to feel deep feelings of gratitude. There really was a way out. I only needed to embark on the Journey just as all of our heroes had done. I needed to come face to face with all my demons, use all my past memories and habits of my mind as the way out, the way to treat the cause of my own suffering. The ten-day course I took on vipassana. meditation, a technique taught by Buddha, showed me how to do this, how to go inside my body for life’s answers.


That was seven years ago. The meditation technique I learned during that time has impacted all aspects of my life. As a psychologist, it has helped me relate to my clients on a deep, caring level and shown me that although people are different, no one is better than someone else. I see now that we’re all human beings suffering from different conditions everyone is doing the best they can and we all have something to learn from one another.


My spiritual journey has also taught me there is no journey, no growth, no change, without morality. Morality is the foundation of a true spiritual life. The turning point for Odysseus happened when he gave up his lust and deception and ego gratification. For Luke, he finally became totally honest both with himself and others and told the truth. Jesus and Buddha lived a life of morality. It was the foundation of their teaching. Absolute morality. I’m not talking about a form of morality that we fashion and that makes us appear moral to others and lets us get away with “a few small white lies here and there,” “a little acting out now and then,” occasional “mistakes.”


We all know what a true moral life is like, and as we advance in our moral life, we advance on the spiritual path. We move into a new realm, the realm of compassion, hope, joy, and service. We become the Grail, the containers of true spirituality. This is our challenge and the gift of our crisis experience. To meet the crisis head-on, to stand our ground with our wounds gaping wide open, to surrender and to call to the “Something Greater.” We must deal with the Hells we have created and come out the other side stronger, more complete, more humble, more human, and, if you will, initiated into the spiritual realm.


As we travel this spiritual journey, we must challenge ourselves to live our life in the best possible way, passing the torch to others, serving others and our community, and being deeply committed to the ongoing and lifelong process of deepening our spiritual life first, above all else.


That’s my story. The story of my gift of crisis and the significant change in my life because of that crisis. Maybe it’s your story, too. Maybe you’ve changed a little. Maybe your life story is a Hero story. Maybe you, too, have had the good fortune of having your crisis experience move you on your way to a better life, to being a better person and making this world a better place. If so, and if you are the Hero reading your story, welcome home.