It started a long time ago
With the nagging terror
Brought forth by that old family fiend,
The Beast.
Everywhere I went,
It followed
That feeling that the world would end
That feeling that everyone was out to get me.
Heck the idea that the Sun
Would swell and destroy the Earth
Had me shaking in my boots,
And driving me to tears.
And I thought if I took a break from society
I would improve,
But isolation only made the Beast hunger for more,
And for a while, friendships were ruined
But this was just
The first head of
The Beast
It was just the first to attack.
Over time,
I developed defenses against this head
Exposure to the things I feared
And I thought I had vanquished the Beast.
But then a new head emerged
An angry head
That bit at my self-esteem
That told me I was worthless
This head is worse that the first,
For nothing I do
Can satisfy it
The Beast broke me
The Beast broke me again
And again,
Ripping into me,
Telling me I was the worst person to ever live
And on three occasions,
I broke so completely,
That I sought out death,
And freedom from the second head’s control
I gained respite on six occasions,
Though after I left,
The doors to the lion’s den opened,
And I was promptly thrown back in
This story became a broken record,
But it was far from over
For soon a third head appeared,
This one had me spinning in circles
I did not realize this at the time,
But the third head had always been present
Just quietly waiting,
To pounce
It began early in childhood,
An over fixation with certain places
Positions at the dinner table
At which I had to sit
I hurt my sisters
Screaming at them
Because the situation was not perfect,
I was cruel out of discomfort
But eventually I relaxed,
I did not need to sit
In my chair,
However, the third head was not done
I became ultra-puritanical
Any thought of sex
Any feeling of romantic attraction
For others, was to me a sign of weakness
Of course, by this point
The three heads began
To work
Together
They hurt me
They made me question reality
And even when I thought I had silenced the third head
The Beast would sing a different tune
Nothing was good enough
I scratched and picked at my skin
I ruminated over perceived mistakes
And I was spiraling out of control
When I began college,
I entered a program,
To deprogram my mind
To free me from the third head’s constant presence
And for the most part,
This worked
Although, from time to time,
The Beast rears its ugly third head
On the sixth time of respite
I found Marsha Linehan,
And her teachings
Of Radical Acceptance
I could finally move past my fears
I could accept
The things
I could not control
But the Beast is tricky,
And I have to return to Marsha Linehan
Time and time
Again
The Beast is never satisfied,
And I suppose it never will be,
But a fourth head appeared
A head to destroy my sense of reality
I guess this head has always been with me
At least since middle school
And I can trace the break
From reality to disreality
I had imaginary friends growing up
Although so did most kids
They protected me from the Beast
But then the Beast coopted them
Then they were not imaginary
Then they became real
And I was haunted
By the Spector of a thousand voices
Some of them were kind
They loved me and assisted me,
But some were evil,
Personifications of the various aspects of the Beast
I went half mad,
I was scared
My imaginary friends,
Were very much real
And then I saw things
Shadows became monsters
Spiders and demons
Patrolled my ceiling
I would cry to my mom
I was scared to sleep
I was scared to stay awake
And I was scared to live
These are the four heads
Of that old family fiend,
The Beast,
But I am certain there will be more
More heads, or at least
Evolved heads,
For just when I let my guard down
The Beast attacks
I wish, I wish with all my heart
That the Beast will be euthanized,
Or if not that,
Then neutered
But when you live my life
You begin to realize
That the Beast is a part of you
It is a part of what makes you, you
I want to love the Beast
If only so I do not fear it
Because the Beast will live with me
And I might as well live with it.
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