How to Release Your Attachment When You Can’t Let Someone Go
I’m gonna be honest here, I can honestly say that I’ve never had any cords of attachment to a person, place, or thing—that is, until recently. This cord crippled me and broke me down to a point where I questioned who I was and my own personal strength.
I think before I tell my story it’s important to know what exactly a cord of attachment is and how it can hurt you. A lot.
Afterward, I’ll tell you why cutting cords is not very effective and what you need to do instead.
What is a Cord of Attachment?
People come in and out of our lives constantly. Some are blessings, some are lessons. The latter come to teach us things about ourselves. They help us dig deep and heal old ugly wounds that we’ve buried for years.
Some people stay and some leave.
However, some of the ones who leave us, leave a mark. A deep mark. A cord if you will. For whatever reason, we just can’t seem to let go of these people. We think about them constantly, cry over them, and are borderline addicted to them. For most of us, this is a past lover.
Are you with me here? Can you feel me?
This is a cord of attachment. This person has left such a tremendous impact on our lives and we just can’t let go. It doesn’t matter if this person was toxic or not, the cord is rooted firmly and we’re completely attached.
My Story
In 2015 I moved to Guatemala from Canada and fell in love with the country and the people. I decided I was going to stay for the long haul. This was my new home.
In the small town I lived in, the dating scene was almost non-existent. And then my second year in, a new man from the US showed up in town. He was tall, dark, and handsome and fun to be around. We dated for over a year and then he returned to the US.
We stayed in contact (and still are in contact almost daily) and traded our romantic relationship in for friendship. Sounds easy enough to do right? Wrong.
I was okay with being his friend and though I secretly wished we could be more, I knew it would never happen. We were so incompatible in a million ways, independent of the fact we got along really well. We just weren’t meant to be.
But I couldn’t let go. I was addicted to him. All of him. I was so ridiculously attached to him it was borderline toxic to me.
After a year he moved back to Guatemala and I knew this was going to be hard for me. We weren’t dating anymore, he was free to see whoever he wanted. I knew I couldn’t bear to see it or find out he was with another woman.
So I did the only thing I knew would help me. I left the country and moved to Mexico to heal and to be away from him. The cord of attachment I had to him was so strong it was killing me.
I began my healing journey in Mexico.
Some would say I ran away from my problems. It may seem that way. I ran away to save my soul and my heart. It was something I had to do. I also knew I had to cut this cord once and for all.
Guided Meditations Just Didn’t Work
I tried to listen to guided meditations on cord cutting and while they seemed to make me feel better, they were temporary fixes. Band-Aids if you will.
I journaled daily. I would make lists of all the things I wanted in a man and a list of all the reasons why “John” wasn’t good for me.
I wrote, I cried, I called friends to talk to, cried some more, listened to meditations nightly, yet nothing seemed to work. I just couldn’t cut this cord and it was emotionally exhausting.
And then something dawned on me.
Why Cutting Cords Doesn’t Work
Every time I practiced a guided meditation, the cord would sever and I would feel good for a day or two, then I’d be back to where I started. Attached, addicted, and miserable.
I realized it was a temporary fix and the wound went much deeper. I realized I needed to fix me at the root.
But not only that, I also realized I needed to not just cut this cord but completely obliterate it right at its root.
I needed to find out where this attachment came from, what my deep wound really was, heal that, and destroy the root.
Cord cutting simply helps you break free at the moment, in the present. It doesn’t take away the pain and hurt. That’s something we need to work on. Find out what it is, where it came from, and heal from it completely.
Where My Pain Comes From
I discovered that my pain and deep wound comes from a childhood of abuse and never being loved. I gave myself and my love away to anyone who would give me any sort of attention. My longing to be loved so badly was destroying me in so many ways.
And I had no idea.
“John” filled so many voids for me, regardless of how toxic our relationship was at times, and I clung on to that. He treated me well, put me up on a pedestal, and gave me all the attention I’ve been craving all my life.
I didn’t want to let go. It felt so damn good.
But it wasn’t good. It was toxic to me and breaking me down every day.
I reached out to a therapist friend of mine because I desperately needed to talk to someone who could help me with this. I knew I needed to heal, and fast. But I honestly didn’t know how.
She helped me sift through all my childhood trauma and the patterns I was following into my adult life. She helped me see the cord for what it really was.
The Cord I Created and Why Cutting It Just Won’t Work
This cord is something I created myself because of my need for love, attention, and affection. The object at the other end of the cord made me feel good. Filled a dark lonely hole in my heart.
I needed to relearn how to love and appreciate myself for exactly who I was. I had to remind myself that I don’t need a person to fill my voids and that it was up to me to do that.
I also had to learn how to destroy this cord, not just cut it.
When you cut cords, the roots are still attached to your soul offering the cord a chance to regrow. Think about how you cut down a dying plant and then new sprouts and leaves form. We cut off the dead in order to make room for regrowth.
It works the same way with a cord of attachment to a person. We can keep cutting the cord but eventually, the leaves will branch out again and form new growth.
This is why we need to completely destroy the cord, right from the root.
How to Destroy Your Cord of Attachment
You first need to heal from the wound that has created this cord. Find out what still hurts you and shows up in the form of other people.
Was it something from your childhood, high school, or an old boss? Dig deep and pull this hurt out, have a look at it, and then do what you have to do to heal from it.
This will take time. How much time is up to you.
While you are healing you need to address this cord that’s still sticking out of your chest. That’s part of your healing journey.
Instead of cutting it, you need to pull it completely out of your chest and imagine yourself burning the root. When the full root has been pulled, seal the wound in your chest with the most beautiful material you can visualize.
I use rose gold.
Journaling is Important
Write out your feelings. It’s so important to write out how you feel. Too often, we keep all our pain locked inside so no one can see it.
But this is not effective and is hurting you more than you realize. Write all that sh*t out and get it off your chest, out of your heart, onto paper, and then burn it and let it go. Thank me later!
So many of us have so much healing to do ,yet healing is a long, hard, and somewhat ugly journey. If we don’t ever heal, the same patterns will keep repeating themselves in our lives and we will never truly be free or happy.
Do yourself a favor, heal.
I began my healing journey in 2012, and though I’ve come an awfully long way since leaving my abusive relationship then, I am still constantly learning about myself, healing, and growing.
It’s a never-ending journey, it’s exhausting and beautiful all at the same time.
If you are still being haunted by the ghosts of your past, I want you to know you don’t have to be anymore. You can be free from them all. Make a commitment to yourself to start a healing journey.
You’re so worth it!
A Year Later
I won’t say my healing journey is over, but I can say my cord of attachment no longer exists. I’m attached to me now and how much I love and respect myself. I still have a long way to go but I’m ready to move back to Guatemala where my heart truly is: with the people, the culture, the freedom, and the land.
“John” and I still talk almost daily but I can see him in a totally different light now. I can safely say I see him as my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. And I’m perfectly happy with that.
About Iva Ursano
Iva is a retired hairstylist turned freelance writer from Northern Ontario Canada living a life of freedom, peace, and joy in sunny Guatemala. Her two main goals in life are to inspire people around the world with her blogs and to feed hungry little bellies in the poor town she now calls home. She has a mini-series of self-help eBooks you can check out here or you can head over to her website for more inspiration and sign up to her weekly motivational and inspirational newsletters.
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