Millions of Boomers are becoming senior citizens with 10,000 a day of us turning 65. A lot of us still have aging parents, now in their 80s, 90s and more. And by that age, a lot of these elders need some kind of help. Will it come from us, their aging adult children? All over this country, Boomer-aged adults are offering help whether physical or financial to their aging loved ones. Few of us are well prepared for this journey. As people live longer than we or they expected, the equally unexpected tasks of ensuring their care and safety fall to us. Seniors are caring for their more senior folks.
As we see at AgingParents.com, where we consult with families about these issues, adult children express frustration, fears, worries about the cost of care, and some about uncooperative parents who refuse to share information. Some dread the burden of the physical work involved, particularly with parents who are unable to care for themselves any longer. It takes a special commitment to a loved one to cut back on or quit a job to take care of Mom or Dad. Even more trying is the added responsibility of simultaneously managing kids still at home. After age 65, we may even be looking after and impaired sibling at the same time. Yet we see countless daughters and daughters-in-law stepping in to do what is needed. Some are devoted sons and son-in-laws, though this is less common. Not everyone is suited to the chores, however.
Caring for an aging parent may start out low key. It can be a few days a week at first and involve doing a few tasks an aging parent can no longer handle. But as time passes and a loved one's health declines, the tasks mount and the burden increases. If the parent has adequate funds to pay for outside help it is great, but someone has to hire, oversee and manage hired assistants just as one would in any business setting. That responsibility may fall on the adult child too. If the parent does not have the funds to pay for the rather high cost of home care workers or other care, the financial burden hits the rest of the family, and not all are equally able to pay the costs among siblings. The result can be resentment, even hostility and the breakdown of family communication and cooperation. Is it preventable? Most of the time, yes.
What does it take to keep the harmony among family members when the increase in caregiving responsibilities comes up? In a word, communication. Family relationships can fall apart in the face of resentment, fear and anger among siblings when a parent's care is needed. Let's face it, this is a lot of work, and is emotionally trying to say the least. No one enjoys seeing an aging parent's health go downhill. This is particularly true with dementia, which progressively destroys your loved one's ability to remember, to think and to function over time.
Siblings need to meet by phone or in person to figure out the way forward when care first becomes necessary at any level. Even if one lives at a distance, there are things you can do. Consolidating accounts into one bank, setting up online access to it, paying bills and overseeing financial management is one area that can be handled from anywhere in the U.S. by one person with a Durable Power of Attorney for the aging parent. Before resentment builds with an unequal burden on any one person, families can talk over who can pay for care when it is needed and who can do physical work for a parent. Family meetings on a regular basis are the key to keeping everyone informed. We have seen distant siblings who make accusations and get upset over what they believe needs to happen when they really have no idea of the aging parent's actual status at that time. This is clearly due to lack of information. Much of the discord can be avoided if everyone takes the time to meet regularly on the phone and follow up with texts or emails keeping every family member in the communication loop. And if there is a local caregiving sibling who lives with or nearby the aging parent, it is that person's responsibility to ask for help when needed and to accept that not all siblings are equally able to do the job. Avoiding unrealistic expectations can do much to prevent anger and resentment.
In short, promoting family harmony when adult children must become caregivers takes frequent communication on an ongoing basis. We see it work well for some. And for those who are uncomfortable with various family members, you have to get past it and try to get the conversation going. It is worth the effort. We are in this for the long haul.
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