Three Experts Answer Your Questions About Bullying

Dr. Peter Sheras, professor of clinical and school psychology at the University of Virginia Curry School of Education, is the author of Your Child: Bully or Victim? Understanding and Ending Schoolyard Tyranny (Fireside 2002) and I Can’t Believe You Went Through My Stuff! (Fireside 2004). He develops intervention programs to help families, communities, and schools cope with bullying.


Dr. Karen Siris is an elementary-school principal in Oceanside, New York, and adjunct professor at Adelphi University. Her article, “Building Classroom Relationships: Creating a Caring Community, One School’s Plan to Ban Bullying” was published by the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, October 2003. She strives to create a caring community in her school by emphasizing social and emotional learning.


Kristie Pattison, a guidance counselor at the Marbletown Elementary School in Stone Ridge, New York, uses the Tribes program, which integrates “respect and care among classmates” into all aspects of school life. She designs and conducts bullying workshops for students, teachers, and parents.


1. Is it bullying when one kid rolls his eyes at another child’s comments? What about teasing, name-calling, or exclusion? How is bullying defined?

Siris: We say behavior is bullying if it is repeated, continues over time, and is used to harass the same target. Teasing, name-calling, and exclusion are all bullying behaviors. However, I don’t like to label a child a “bully,” because that’s a kind of name-calling in itself.


Pattison: Eye-rolling is definitely bullying. Kids think they can get away with it since nobody hears them. Some parents may think it’s trivial, but I’ve seen kids devastated by eye-rolling and whispering. Sometimes kids don’t yet have the social skills to understand the seriousness of what they’re doing [and] the effect their behavior has on other children. We work on making them more aware.


Sheras: Bullying is intended to be hurtful, takes place over time, and involves an imbalance in power. One of the notions of bullying is that it is defined by the person being bullied. If a child is hurt by intentional, repeated teasing or name-calling, then he is the target of bullying. Kids are different in their reactions, and some are more sensitive than others, but it’s often hard for parents to realize how painful teasing can be.


2. Is a bossy friend a bully?

Sheras: Being bossy is different from bullying. It’s generally easier to confront a bossy friend than to confront a bully because friends have equal status. When a sibling is doing something to intentionally dominate or intimidate the other, especially when there’s an age difference, parents need to step in.


Siris: When children are truly friends, they respect each other’s idiosyncratic traits . . . one of which may be bossiness. However, there’s a fine line between being a “bossy kid” and using undue power over another. When a relationship of friendship does not exist between two children, then the “bossy” behavior is usually unhealthy.


Pattison: It’s important that the child talks about the bossy friend early so a parent can help him and it doesn’t turn into bullying.


3. Is it bullying when a child pressures another to join in behavior that’s mean or harmful?

Siris: The child watching an unkind event is a “bystander.” We try to turn “bystanders” into “upstanders.” These upstanders stand up for what is right and fair and speak up for themselves as well as those they see being bullied.


Sheras: Sometimes kids who feel vulnerable become allied with the bully as a way to protect themselves. They believe that joining in the bullying is preferable to being the target. Since they are also victims of the bully, they are often most redeemable. They may be fearful about standing up and need to be supported.


Pattison: Joining in often starts out subtly in elementary school when a child feels pressure to be part of the group. There are also bullies who goad others to misbehave and then watch while their followers get into trouble.


4. Is it appropriate for a parent to confront a child bully?

Siris: A parent should not have a discussion with another child about past behavior unless the parent or guardian of the child is there, too. The situation should be handled sensitively with both children given a chance to talk about why the behavior is taking place.


Pattison: It’s preferable for a parent to work with his own child to empower him to handle the situation. Teach your kids how to let the bully know why his behavior is unacceptable. However, if you are witnessing bullying in your home, it may be appropriate to use “I” messages with the bully to explain how the behavior makes you feel.


Sheras: It depends on the situation. If you witness a child being cruel or saying something hurtful, you can speak up and express your reaction in a reasonable way. We’ve lost our sense of community—where kids know that all the adults around are keeping an eye out to oversee and protect them.


5. How can parents effectively talk to the parents of bullies?

Pattison: I often hesitate to have parents talk to one another because each parent sometimes ends up defending his own child. However, it depends on the urgency of the situation and other circumstances.


Sheras: It’s best to go through the school. However, if you know the parents, you may want to speak to them directly. Have a clear goal. What works best is to factually inform the parents by describing the situation and its effect on your child.


Siris: Using what we call “I” messages is very important. That teaches our children to tell each other how they are feeling. Examples are “I don’t like it when you call me names” or “I don’t like it when you don’t let me join your game.” Parents too should talk about how their child is feeling about the situation. A parent should not be threatening and should talk about how the behaviors of the other child are affecting his own child. A parent can also find out if there’s something his child might be doing that’s escalating the situation.


6. Is it ever OK to tell your child to hit back?

Siris: ONLY if it is necessary to get out of a physically dangerous situation and there’s no adult there to help. Hitting back only escalates the situation.


Pattison: We work hard to teach no hitting. Hitting back is a last resort when a child is in danger and there’s no way out. In our school we have no tolerance for physical aggression. Parents of the victim and the bully are both called, and a child who hits will likely be sent home.


Sheras: At meetings, dads sometimes talk about successfully confronting a bully after taking karate. However, it’s rare for that to actually work. Hitting generally leads to more physical violence. However, I do encourage parents to send kids to martial-arts classes because they enhance a child’s sense of self-esteem and confidence.


7. When should kids be encouraged to handle situations themselves, and when should they go to the teacher?

Siris: Children need to learn to use verbal responses. They should say “Stop it. I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.” If the aggressor says “Who cares?” then an adult should be told. If that adult doesn’t help, the child should continue to ask an adult to help until the situation is fixed.


Sheras: Kids need to feel protected. Imagine, as a parent, what it would be like at work if someone could assault you or call you names. The teachers are the ones in charge of making sure kids aren’t hurt or victimized. Children sometimes feel that the teacher hasn’t done anything about a complaint, but it may be that the teacher has handled it privately with the bullying child. I recommend that schools make their efforts to stop bullying public and clear so that children and parents know that the culture doesn’t tolerate bullying. Bullying is not a rite of passage or an entitlement passed on from grade to grade.


Pattison: When children come to the adults in our school, we encourage them to figure out how to handle the situation. In elementary school, we want kids to trust the adults and to feel safe. Our hope is that through the year children will learn what to say, how to use confident body language, that there are always solutions, and that everybody makes mistakes.


8. What verbal strategies can kids use to deflect bullying?

Sheras: The first thing is to tell the bully to stop, and there are a number of stop messages kids can learn. While bullying may be intentional, a bully may not realize the extent of the effect that his behavior has on another child.


Siris: Everyone must be aware that “kindness is cool; cruelty is not.” This has to be taught in kindergarten and continue with a common vocabulary through high school.


Pattison: We try to give kids many examples of what to say if they’re being bullied. Humor and assertiveness both work well. If someone is making fun of someone’s appearance, a child can say, “I like myself and my ears.” When a bully is angry, kids need to learn to walk away and say, “I’ll talk to you when you’ve calmed down.” Besides verbal strategies, body language is important. Kids need to learn to feel confident and look confident.


9. How can kids witnessing bullying intervene without becoming targets?

Siris: There needs to be a paradigm shift. “Tattling” has to come out of our vocabulary. Again, we need to turn “bystanders” into “upstanders.”


Pattison: We tell kids not to intervene, especially if there’s a physical fight, but to get an adult instead. I tell kids that if they witness bullying and don’t tell anyone, they too are engaging in a form of bullying.


Sheras: Kids need to learn that when there’s real danger or difficulty, telling someone is not “snitching.” Collective action works best with bullies. Parents can help if they know about the bullying. Kids often don’t tell their parents because the parents become too directive or want to intervene in ways that are embarrassing to the child. Listen in a non-judgmental way, and work in partnership with your child to figure out the next steps. If you suspect that your child or others are being bullied, talking about your own experiences as a child may help encourage your child to share his experience.