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Outlooks & Setbacks Saturdays

Self Harm & Self Sabotage

Sabotaging Relationships

Do you have relationships in your life that you feel you have sabotaged?

Maybe it’s a romantic relationship and every time you get a good thing going, it somehow falls apart. Maybe you can look at your past history and see some common threads that typically start around the same time in a relationship. Maybe you can sense that you are the common denominator to that…

Maybe you struggle with friendships and every time you start to get close to someone, you pull away and create an awkwardness that prevents the relationship from going deeper. 

Maybe your family is a challenge and you find yourself sabotaging the relationship because of fear or past hurts.

Relationships can be so complex. Factor in a difficult past or trauma and it causes an even deeper level of complexity to relationships. 

Many people have been hurt so badly that they are afraid to open up and allow someone else to truly know them and so rather than take that chance, they sabotage relationships. Maybe that’s you.

If you struggle with relationships, maybe it’s time to go talk to someone about it. There’s no shame in getting help - in fact, it shows a deep strength and a keen awareness of yourself.

I know a few people who I wish would seek help for their relationships. These people have been hurt by things that have happened in the past and it has completely clouded their ability to see things for what they actually are. I guess you could say that they see the world (and relationships) through a distorted lens.

The good news is that you can clean off a smudged or dirty lens and see clearly again - it just takes some work.

Seek help if you are struggling and you might just find a smudged lens that has been clouding your view of people.

Recommended Book

How to Be an Adult in Relationships

Nov 02, 2021
ISBN: 9781611809541

Interesting Fact #1

While people might self-sabotage relationships for many reasons, the behavior is often rooted in trauma. During childhood, our relationships with caregivers can have a lasting impact on how we relate to others. People with a history of insecure relationships may automatically assume that future ones are doomed to fail.

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #2

Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships. Further, we know that these behaviors often repeat across multiple relationships.

SOURCE

Interesting Fact #3

Experiencing insecurity in relationships due to a lack of trust can lead to accusations and jealous behaviors. In some cases, someone who self-sabotages may search for proof of betrayal, even when there is no indication that their partner has done something wrong.

SOURCE

Quote of the day

“When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable.” ― Jess C. Scott

Article of the day - Signs You're Sabotaging Your Relationship and How to Stop

Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t always easy to recognize, especially when you’re the one engaging in these behaviors, like cheating or withholding gratitude.

Relationships can be hard. Not just in keeping them thriving once they’re established, but in getting to that point where long-term commitment is possible.

When you can’t seem to maintain relationships, it’s an easy to chalk it up to excuses like “no good ones are left.” But the truth is that sometimes relationships with potential get squashed by your own behaviors.

When this self-sabotage happens, it often comes from challenges related to insecurity, communication, and trust. And it’s likely something you’ve been working through for a very long time.

 

10 ways to recognize self-sabotage in relationships

Learning to recognize self-sabotage in relationships can help you see places where introspection and healing may need to take place.

Change has to start with you. For example, if you see no reason to change yourself there’s nothing your partner can do that will improve the situation — or vice versa.

1. Cheating

Cheating isn’t always pure lust. Sometimes cheating can be a self-sabotaging behavior; a way of ending the relationship and making yourself the villain.

“A person may cheat to either consciously or unconsciously end the relationship, especially if they feel they don’t deserve to be in a relationship or deserve to be loved,” explains Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-SS at LifeStance Health a licensed professional clinical counselor from Beachwood, Ohio. “This is often rooted in their own poor self-esteem.”

2. Lack of commitment

Lack of commitment occurs when your relationship progresses to a place where monogamy and titles (boyfriend, fiancé, etc.) are natural and often expected, but you won’t say the words or commit to any deeper feelings.

“If you are not willing to make a long-term commitment to your partner, it can create uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship,” says David Tzall, a psychologist from New York City. “This can cause your partner to feel like they are not a priority in your life.”

3. Holding grudges

Do you hang on to hurt caused by your partner, even if it’s unintentional? Holding grudges is a common relationship sabotaging behavior, indicates Leanza, that, when continually brought up, can create resentment and erode trust.

It often stems from your own place of insecurity and feelings of inferiority, she explains.

4. Passive aggression

Passive aggression is an indirect form of communicating your anger or frustration. It can come from a part of you that’s afraid or uncomfortable with experiencing the negative emotions that come from confrontation.

Tzall says passive aggression can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, and can undermine the trust in a relationship.

5. Withholding gratitude

Gratitude is one of the driving forces of relationship longevity. Showing your partner you’re appreciative of them is a bonding experience.

Dr. Harold Hong, a board certified psychiatrist in Raleigh, North Carolina, explains, “…expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts, no matter how small, is a sign of respect and can show that their positive actions are valued.”

When you withhold gratitude, deliberately or subconsciously, you’re sending the signal to your partner that they’re being taken for granted.

6. Not communicating

A number of self-sabotaging relationship behaviors involve not communicating clearly, openly, or at all.

Your partner can’t read your mind. They don’t innately know your wants and needs all the time, and that’s not a reflection of their level of affection for you. It just means they aren’t psychics, and like you, the appreciate having open, clear communication.

7. Mind-reading

Have you ever gotten upset because your partner did one thing and you expected something else but never communicated it? This could be considered “mind-reading” or jumping to conclusions.

“Mind-reading” involves making assumptions about what someone else is feeling or assuming they’ll understand you without open communication.

Hong indicates “mind-reading” can cause major misunderstanding in relationships and can be a form of emotional manipulation.

8. Unrealistic expectations

Holding your partner to an unachievable standard is another way to set yourself up, successfully, for failure.

“For instance, expecting your partner to make all the decisions in a relationship or expecting them never to make mistakes is an example of an unhealthy expectation that can lead to problems,” says Hong.

When your unreasonable expectations aren’t met it can allow you to convince yourself the relationship isn’t working, opening up a reason to leave.

9. Emotional unavailability

Intimacy, another pillar of long-term relationships, requires vulnerability, which means allowing someone else participate in your emotions.

“If you have difficulty opening up emotionally, it can make it challenging for your partner to connect with you on a deeper level,” says Tzall. “This can lead to feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy in the relationship.”

10. Disrespectful behavior

Self-sabotage in relationships can be abusive. Leanza points out there are many experiences that fall into this category, such as:

 

What causes self-sabotaging behavior in relationships?

There’s no universal cause for self-sabotage in relationships, but knowing why you might be prone to these behaviors can help you address them at their source.

Learned behaviors

One of the many ways children learn is through mimicking what they see around them. If you grew up with caregivers who displayed self-sabotaging behaviors, you may have adopted those behaviors as well.

Attachment style

Attachment style is a part of psychological theory. It suggests how you form relationships in your adult life is directly impacted by the relationships you had as a child.

“Our attachment style and early models contribute immensely to how much we allow ourselves to connect with others and be in a relationship,” Tzall says. “Someone who has more of an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and have difficulty forming close relationships.”

Past experiences

The following factors can create a sense of low self-worth that might make you feel undeserving of happiness and love:

Having been hurt in the past can also create a fear of vulnerability that makes you turn to self-sabotage as a means of protection.

“People who display a fear of vulnerability may keep themselves emotionally distant from their partner because they fear intimacy or the possibility of rejection,” explains Leanza.

 

How to stop self-sabotaging your relationship

Healing the underlying causes of self-sabotage in a relationship is the first step toward eliminating these behaviors. Speaking with a mental health professional can provide guidance and actionable steps in the process of recovery.

Therapy can also help you recognize these behaviors in others, an important step in understanding when or if a relationship has run its course.

 

Practical tips to stop self-sabotage in relationships

According to the experts, you can help stop self-sabotage in relationships by:

  • taking ownership of self-sabotaging behaviors
  • admitting and apologizing for mistakes
  • practicing empathy
  • building communication skills
  • setting and respecting boundaries
  • improving personal wellness

Setting expectations for yourself can also be important. What are behaviors you exhibit that you wouldn’t be okay with in someone else?

“Consider what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate, and what expectations you are fine with letting go of,” says Tzall.

Question of the day - What is something that has happened in your past that has made it hard for you to trust people?

Self Harm & Self Sabotage

What is something that has happened in your past that has made it hard for you to trust people?